What a well written and thoughtful post Teyani. Thank you for being so open and sharing part of your story. Where I’m at in my journey, I’m working on trying to stop caring so much about how people describe me. I’ve lived most of my 45 years really trying to please everyone, to not make waves, to not speak up or say no and then stretching far too thin (metaphorically—I wish it were physically!), and negatively affecting the people I love most because I’ve been too busy trying to please everyone that I wasn’t putting enough effort and time into telling and showing people I love most that I love and appreciate them. My relationship with how other people describe me is a toxic one. I’ve spent the majority of my life trying desperately not to be described as fat, stupid, a loser, lame, and other terms I’ve bullied myself with over the years. What I’m learning now is that our brains still retain some plasticity and that new neural pathways can still be formed. Which I’ve found insightful. In terms of the opposite of being strong, being a victim, I’m not sure. But probably a lot of times, this holds true. One thing I’ve been thinking about lately is if I have learned to enjoy feeling like a victim and therefore keep engaging in negative thinking traps, self-loathing, and self-sabotaging behaviour. In some respects I think being strong is about being able to brake action today, like right now to try to influence the direction of your life. The opposite of that for me has been many wasted years of waiting for “someday” or “next time” or “tomorrow” to start taking positive action or even to just stop taking negative action. Perhaps that maintains my feelings of being a victim. But I’m not sure. I guess feeling like a victim is tricky to define. All the times that I’m not being strong, I’ve mostly thought of as times when I was being weak, a pushover, a wimp, a scaredy cat, a loser. A victim can be all of those things too. I’m just not sure if they are always coexistent or not or if there is something between being strong and being a victim or at least maybe adjacent sometimes. It’s given me a lot to think about. I appreciated the post and the care you put into writing it.
Craig. Oh gosh, I walk beside you as you struggle with this history you’ve shared. That’s a powerful voice that continues to keep you contained within its spell.
I will ask you what I have asked so many : who would you be without that sense of being a victim, scardy, loser? Because, being 30+ years older than you, and having met thousands of people, I can guarantee you that those names do not express all of who you are.
I would like to share one more thought in this now….. if you zoom out away from sitting inside your head, and ask yourself, who is saying those cruel things to me? Then zoom out a little further, and listen in the quiet.. is there a second small voice that says kinder things? Something like “things that others have taught you about yourself aren’t always true.”
You can choose what you agree with…. Then pause, and ask who is saying these things?
There is a you who is the distant observer. Who is watching the bully as he says the cruel words to you. You are not that voice. You are the observer.
The truth is: the part of you that is truly you will never be mean to you. Never.
I promise.
I hope that when you are choosing who you listen to, it’s the genuine you.
This insight is incredibly valuable and has stirred a very strong, emotional reaction within me. Thank you for sharing your wisdom Teyani. And thank you for taking the time to offer guidance in such a deep and meaningful way.
Teyani, I am often told by people that know me that I am strong and resilient. I don't feel those words describe me any longer. Perhaps they will again, but not right now. I truly appreciate reading this today, it was something I needed to read, as I try to find my way back to myself. Thank you for writing this and for being you. xoxo
Awww.. thank you for sharing these tender thoughts with me Pamela. Remember that it doesn’t matter how long it takes.. continue choosing how to respond, and choosing to rise above anyone who knocks you down. You will find a home. You will find peace from disrespectful neighbors. You will find your haven. When I was in a similar space, a friend reached out and suggested I expand my search radius, that it might allow something amazing to find me….. I did exactly what they suggested, and within a week, while I was searching Zillow, unable to sleep, the place I am in now popped up on my screen. I knew the moment I saw it that if it was even half of what it appeared, it was my new home.
Turns out, when I looked that next day, it was 100% what it seemed, and more.
It’s been my haven ever since. Probably the best place I have ever lived. I guarantee the Universe brought me to it.
And so, my simple thought is to : drop your limitations, allow the Universe to carry you to your next home. This is strength. This is trust. You can do this (again)
Thank you Teyani. I am unfortunately very limited in my financial means and as such have few options and have pretty well made sure I am on every list that I can be on so it means waiting for an opening. Rents in my area are sky high and unaffordable for me and I can’t move from the area. At some point this will all shift. It’s out of my hands in many ways. I have to let go and trust. Not always easy for me, I have some serious trust issues.
Your article beautifully captures the paradox of strength and vulnerability. We often see them as opposites, but as you've shown, they're deeply intertwined. It takes strength to be vulnerable, to admit our weaknesses and ask for help. And it's often in our most vulnerable moments that we discover our greatest strength. It's a reminder that being strong doesn't mean we have to be invincible.
Thank you for this kind and understanding reply Alexander. I so agree. There is strength in choosing when to be vulnerable. And knowing that we too can be smashed is humbling while still encouraging us to remain ourselves.
I believe people say these things with good intentions, so I normally accept them.
In most instances, we don't choose strong or resilient, we find ourselves in situations where we must be. We are thus as strong as we have to, and one who isn't most likely hasn't had to be (yet).
You are very right about the truth; it's never mean. Sweet truths need only savoring, sour ones should be said from a point of understanding thus, while hard, they cannot be mean. Anything mean is cruelty disguised as the truth.
Wow… “cruelty disguised as truth”.. a powerful phrase my friend. And SO true.
I’ve met (and am related to a couple) of people who have been placed in situations where they had the option to choose strength and remain themselves, yet instead they consciously chose victimhood, laziness, and fear to define themselves. They beg and plead for a rescuer to arrive. And in both cases of my relatives, their “rescuer” arrived. These people are sadly unwilling to accept responsibility for their life and their choices. As a result, they have cut themselves off from me for not supporting their victimhood. I have grieved the loss of who they used to be, and accepted their choice.
Yes, I have been strong when I have to be.
I agree about most folks intentions. When their words arrive awkwardly, I look to what the intention was behind the words, and respond to that. Perhaps I’ll share a story about a turning point with my Dad around exactly that. 💕 thank you for prompting a sweet memory.
In this situation where some have chosen victimhood and laziness, there's not anything you can do. One must want life, and relying on a rescuer is the opposite of wanting life. I don't know why someone would play this role of a rescuer... Life is so much better when each plays their role to make relationships - romantic, platonic, familial, etc - sustainable.
All lazy people give excuses for their laziness; they reject any advice on how they can do better. In the long run, it's impossible to get anywhere with them ... they just don't want life as much as you do.
This is one of my favorite pieces I have read recently and of yours. I identify with this deeply, have been told similar things, and have operated as you described a majority of the time.
I have paused or pivoted when some obstacles, coming up short, or unexpected/trying instances have presented. I employ a "Yes, and..." and a "No, and..." before that "What now? " There is always an "and" in my mind because there's more after a "Yes" or a "No." A lot more.
I kept a sticky note on my computer monitor that was my guiding principle when trying to navigate the ins and outs of business. I now keep that same sticky note in my “Password Book” for easy access when I need a reminder that I have choices on how I react when things seem to be going sideways. I’ve seen this quote credited to various individuals and I’ve seen slightly different variations but the reminder is still the same:
When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening, that’s where your power is.
This is also a great quote for where we find ourselves politically in our country. It's so easy to feel powerless, but " to challenge yoursel to control the way you respond" creates a lot more options and room to move!
So true. Viktor Frankl encouraged us to take the pause between an event and our reaction to it, and that is when we can find wisdom. No one can take this choice away from us.
What a well written and thoughtful post Teyani. Thank you for being so open and sharing part of your story. Where I’m at in my journey, I’m working on trying to stop caring so much about how people describe me. I’ve lived most of my 45 years really trying to please everyone, to not make waves, to not speak up or say no and then stretching far too thin (metaphorically—I wish it were physically!), and negatively affecting the people I love most because I’ve been too busy trying to please everyone that I wasn’t putting enough effort and time into telling and showing people I love most that I love and appreciate them. My relationship with how other people describe me is a toxic one. I’ve spent the majority of my life trying desperately not to be described as fat, stupid, a loser, lame, and other terms I’ve bullied myself with over the years. What I’m learning now is that our brains still retain some plasticity and that new neural pathways can still be formed. Which I’ve found insightful. In terms of the opposite of being strong, being a victim, I’m not sure. But probably a lot of times, this holds true. One thing I’ve been thinking about lately is if I have learned to enjoy feeling like a victim and therefore keep engaging in negative thinking traps, self-loathing, and self-sabotaging behaviour. In some respects I think being strong is about being able to brake action today, like right now to try to influence the direction of your life. The opposite of that for me has been many wasted years of waiting for “someday” or “next time” or “tomorrow” to start taking positive action or even to just stop taking negative action. Perhaps that maintains my feelings of being a victim. But I’m not sure. I guess feeling like a victim is tricky to define. All the times that I’m not being strong, I’ve mostly thought of as times when I was being weak, a pushover, a wimp, a scaredy cat, a loser. A victim can be all of those things too. I’m just not sure if they are always coexistent or not or if there is something between being strong and being a victim or at least maybe adjacent sometimes. It’s given me a lot to think about. I appreciated the post and the care you put into writing it.
Best.
Craig. Oh gosh, I walk beside you as you struggle with this history you’ve shared. That’s a powerful voice that continues to keep you contained within its spell.
I will ask you what I have asked so many : who would you be without that sense of being a victim, scardy, loser? Because, being 30+ years older than you, and having met thousands of people, I can guarantee you that those names do not express all of who you are.
I would like to share one more thought in this now….. if you zoom out away from sitting inside your head, and ask yourself, who is saying those cruel things to me? Then zoom out a little further, and listen in the quiet.. is there a second small voice that says kinder things? Something like “things that others have taught you about yourself aren’t always true.”
You can choose what you agree with…. Then pause, and ask who is saying these things?
There is a you who is the distant observer. Who is watching the bully as he says the cruel words to you. You are not that voice. You are the observer.
The truth is: the part of you that is truly you will never be mean to you. Never.
I promise.
I hope that when you are choosing who you listen to, it’s the genuine you.
This insight is incredibly valuable and has stirred a very strong, emotional reaction within me. Thank you for sharing your wisdom Teyani. And thank you for taking the time to offer guidance in such a deep and meaningful way.
Thank you for the restack!
I think this jumps towards the top of my list of readings from you, Tey. So much wisdom and, yes, strength in these words. I will be reaching out! 😆
Many hugs my friend. Thank you for seeing me.
Teyani, I am often told by people that know me that I am strong and resilient. I don't feel those words describe me any longer. Perhaps they will again, but not right now. I truly appreciate reading this today, it was something I needed to read, as I try to find my way back to myself. Thank you for writing this and for being you. xoxo
Awww.. thank you for sharing these tender thoughts with me Pamela. Remember that it doesn’t matter how long it takes.. continue choosing how to respond, and choosing to rise above anyone who knocks you down. You will find a home. You will find peace from disrespectful neighbors. You will find your haven. When I was in a similar space, a friend reached out and suggested I expand my search radius, that it might allow something amazing to find me….. I did exactly what they suggested, and within a week, while I was searching Zillow, unable to sleep, the place I am in now popped up on my screen. I knew the moment I saw it that if it was even half of what it appeared, it was my new home.
Turns out, when I looked that next day, it was 100% what it seemed, and more.
It’s been my haven ever since. Probably the best place I have ever lived. I guarantee the Universe brought me to it.
And so, my simple thought is to : drop your limitations, allow the Universe to carry you to your next home. This is strength. This is trust. You can do this (again)
Thank you Teyani. I am unfortunately very limited in my financial means and as such have few options and have pretty well made sure I am on every list that I can be on so it means waiting for an opening. Rents in my area are sky high and unaffordable for me and I can’t move from the area. At some point this will all shift. It’s out of my hands in many ways. I have to let go and trust. Not always easy for me, I have some serious trust issues.
Your article beautifully captures the paradox of strength and vulnerability. We often see them as opposites, but as you've shown, they're deeply intertwined. It takes strength to be vulnerable, to admit our weaknesses and ask for help. And it's often in our most vulnerable moments that we discover our greatest strength. It's a reminder that being strong doesn't mean we have to be invincible.
Thank you for this kind and understanding reply Alexander. I so agree. There is strength in choosing when to be vulnerable. And knowing that we too can be smashed is humbling while still encouraging us to remain ourselves.
I believe people say these things with good intentions, so I normally accept them.
In most instances, we don't choose strong or resilient, we find ourselves in situations where we must be. We are thus as strong as we have to, and one who isn't most likely hasn't had to be (yet).
You are very right about the truth; it's never mean. Sweet truths need only savoring, sour ones should be said from a point of understanding thus, while hard, they cannot be mean. Anything mean is cruelty disguised as the truth.
Wow… “cruelty disguised as truth”.. a powerful phrase my friend. And SO true.
I’ve met (and am related to a couple) of people who have been placed in situations where they had the option to choose strength and remain themselves, yet instead they consciously chose victimhood, laziness, and fear to define themselves. They beg and plead for a rescuer to arrive. And in both cases of my relatives, their “rescuer” arrived. These people are sadly unwilling to accept responsibility for their life and their choices. As a result, they have cut themselves off from me for not supporting their victimhood. I have grieved the loss of who they used to be, and accepted their choice.
Yes, I have been strong when I have to be.
I agree about most folks intentions. When their words arrive awkwardly, I look to what the intention was behind the words, and respond to that. Perhaps I’ll share a story about a turning point with my Dad around exactly that. 💕 thank you for prompting a sweet memory.
Always welcome, my friend, and thanks.
In this situation where some have chosen victimhood and laziness, there's not anything you can do. One must want life, and relying on a rescuer is the opposite of wanting life. I don't know why someone would play this role of a rescuer... Life is so much better when each plays their role to make relationships - romantic, platonic, familial, etc - sustainable.
All lazy people give excuses for their laziness; they reject any advice on how they can do better. In the long run, it's impossible to get anywhere with them ... they just don't want life as much as you do.
This is one of my favorite pieces I have read recently and of yours. I identify with this deeply, have been told similar things, and have operated as you described a majority of the time.
I have paused or pivoted when some obstacles, coming up short, or unexpected/trying instances have presented. I employ a "Yes, and..." and a "No, and..." before that "What now? " There is always an "and" in my mind because there's more after a "Yes" or a "No." A lot more.
Great read. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing such kind thoughts Angela! And yes! There’s always more after yes or no. 💫
I kept a sticky note on my computer monitor that was my guiding principle when trying to navigate the ins and outs of business. I now keep that same sticky note in my “Password Book” for easy access when I need a reminder that I have choices on how I react when things seem to be going sideways. I’ve seen this quote credited to various individuals and I’ve seen slightly different variations but the reminder is still the same:
When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening, that’s where your power is.
This is also a great quote for where we find ourselves politically in our country. It's so easy to feel powerless, but " to challenge yoursel to control the way you respond" creates a lot more options and room to move!
So true. Viktor Frankl encouraged us to take the pause between an event and our reaction to it, and that is when we can find wisdom. No one can take this choice away from us.
What a wonderful quote, Di. And I so agree. No wonder you’re such a great leader💞