Talk with me - What is being “Strong?” Repairing the Heart and moving on.

“I’ve never met anyone as strong as you” he said while shaking his head in astonishment.

When someone speaks these words to you do you feel seen? Understood? Are you honored to have your fight acknowledged? Or does it feel more like they missed the point? Patronized? Discounted that they truly have no clue, and this is an understatement? And why do those words mean different things to different people?

I had someone who cares deeply for me say those words yesterday, and they felt like a benediction. He continued by saying I was the most resilient person he’s met. I can don the word “strong” fairly easily, then again, resilient (which implies bouncing back quickly) can be a matter of perspective and situation.

When someone says “they don’t know how I do it,” I imagine they guess it’s magic. (Hah!) No, I’m not a magician. I am a person for whom, the alternative is unacceptable.

Is the opposite of being strong being a victim? I’m guessing so in some cases. I’m not referring to extreme cases such as wars, torture, harm or deaths of children. What I have been thinking about contains the sum of an ordinary life. A life that has contained being ostracized when young, difficulty getting jobs, working two or three jobs at once, being “let go” (and contacting the EEOC as a result), loving and leaving partners, making poor choices and choosing again, injury (both physical and emotional), multiple relocations, multiple careers, serious illness, chronic pain, death of both parents, estrangement from siblings, opportunities offered and missed, glorious successes and soul flattening failures.

So many people I know have lives that resemble mine. I don’t feel outside the normal arc of living. So what is it that others consider “strong?” And do I agree?

I have written before about my choice to have Hope and Faith, and now my choice to be strong.

There have been folks who view the words I am saying as harsh or brutal, but the bottom line for my way of thinking is that no one is going to save you. No one is going to live your life for you, and most of the time, you’ll be picking yourself up off the floor as well as cleaning up the mess that someone else made while knocking you down.

My voice is not loud as I say the above words, rather my voice is soft and enduring, resistant to failure, holding the belief that you can do this. I have great compassion and I understand. I was once told “do not believe those who counsel you have lived a life of ease without hardships. No. Instead, it is in their overcoming their challenges that they have earned their insights.”

I’ve raised my daughters to tell the truth. I’ve told them the truth all their lives. I believe that the truth is never mean. Of course there are cruel beasts who can hurl truth at someone, and the manner in which they present it is mean, but the truth itself is not. So I am telling you the bone-bare truth in these words.

You are the person who determines how you respond to every single moment of your life.

How we respond to the efforts of living is what makes us strong and resilient, or weak and a victim.

I’ve written about the boring question “Why” and how irrelevant it is (except for gravity and other scientific events). The question that aids me more in regaining my footing when I’ve lost it begins with “What now?”

I believe that there are thousands of choices when we ask what now. Sometimes the answer is to go to sleep and ponder things more deeply tomorrow. Often wisdom answers that we do the very next thing that we must do: feed the children, pack our boxes, slow down and have a coffee, seek help from a friend, run as fast and as far as we are able, or maybe even sit still and hug your cat. I remind myself of the best advice I have ever received from anyone “When you don’t know what to do, do nothing at all.”

I am not too proud to hold entry level jobs in spite of the degreed letters that follow my name. I am not too snooty to refuse a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of water. I am not too stubborn to be wrong, nor ask for help when it is needed.

These choices are the secret to being strong. Ask “what now?”, evaluate your options, then take action. After you have taken your action, there will be time for grief and any concerns, but you must act. We can be strong and feel our feelings, tho not always in the same moment. I’m not a robot, I weep sometimes. I also love deeply, appreciate those who are kind and love me too. I have no expectations from others aside from telling me the truth. Those who choose not to aren’t part of my world for very long. I am deeply grateful for and humbled by my friends who help me, and I will pay it forward when I am able.

Are the words others use to describe you accurate? Are you living as deeply as you are able? Reach out and let’s talk.