I feel conflicted about this one. I know people with hearts of gold who live in cluttered spaces. I also wonder whether someone who obsessively chases success at work can necessarily pursue their private life like that? The examples of watching for patterns and consistency are helpful. But sometimes people who have the capacity for deep empathy and intimacy don’t have the same care for their finances or tidiness. I suppose I’ve always been one of those who thought that a clean desk was a sign of dullness!
Thanks Josh. I would like to add a couple more things to what you’ve said.
Being a cluttered space person does not preclude having a wonderful heart. The observation that needs to happen is that if a person is cluttered in one area of their life, they also will in other areas (their mind, their friends, their closet etc) your choice is about whether or not you are okay with clutter.
People who are obsessive about chasing work goals evidence that they can be single focused. The question to consider is whether or not they do that to the detriment of other areas of their life. And is their single focus something that they stick with no matter what? Or do they also tend to drop things quickly if they don’t get results?
The same goes for deeply empathetic people and some not being able to track their finances… could it be that they tend to put everyone else’s needs before their own, and thus can be swept up in the energy of things when people need them? This kind of person will most likely forfeit other areas of their life if they forfeit responsibility for their own finances. What you’re seeing is that finances don’t matter as much to them. And the result is that they will allow other things that don't matter to them to slide.
My point is that we need to be observant and consciously choose what we can be okay with.
If you don’t mind clutter, then it is irrelevant to you. Just do not expect tidiness.
If you don’t mind taking second place to someone’s career, then it won’t bother you that they are single focused and take you for granted.
If someone chooses to not be responsible about their finances, it’s important to decide if you either are willing to take care of that grown up responsibility for them, or if you can maintain an uninvolved position.
It is all about being observant and not imagining someone will change.
This is such a great post (and idea for ongoing posts - going to dig into #2 shortly). With people, the wait staff example is a great one. Tipping too.
I like your last two words of this post to be multiple-use: pay attention. Because do they (or have they) walked the walk or just talked the talk? Do people’s actions match the words being spoken? That’s the one that jumps at me. I think for people who are quick to trust and believe the best in people naturally, not checking if the actions match the nice, shiny, pretty words can be problematic. 😊
If people have animals trapped in their homes for entertainment...big red flag for me. Do they have fish in an aquarium, or birds in a cage? Are they sadists who enjoy watching animals suffering? Run.
This is so insightful. I've always found the wait staff interactions to be so revealing. It's actually so refreshing when someone is respectful to them.
Thanks Dee. The confirmation is always great! The waitstaff is indeed one of the most telling! I cannot sit by and let anyone ever do this. I’ve been kinda known to make a badass scene. (Ahem🫢) not sorry.
What a fabulous post! And I truly l.o.v.e. What you did. Seriously cool. I have also served large parties of people who had no idea what it took to be a server.
I’m pretty good at loudly putting another person at my table in their place for any rudeness toward our server, but I couldn’t have pulled off such a coo as you did, with such panache! Bravo.
I had a "friend" who chose to chastise a server at a restaurant over the fact that the glass of wine she ordered was served in the wrong style of glass. I remember thinking that this "friend" was quite mean and condescending and that I didn't like it. She also spoke disparagingly about other people to me. She was writing a cookbook and I helped her extensively with her prose, almost re-writing entire sections from what she originally had, sections that ended up in her final copy. I also tested many recipes and helped her to finalize many of them. After all that, she didn't acknowledge me in the book credits, and after writing a glowing ode to our friendship in the copy she gave me, she ghosted me a few months later. She saved me from having a difficult conversation with her, and showed me her true colors, and while it stung at the time, I came to see it as a blessing in disguise. I'm very particular about who I spend time with, and that taught me a big lesson on listening to that gut instinct.
Oh Kate. I’m sorry to hear of the cruelty with which she used you and your kindness. You didn’t deserve that. And yes, clearly she uses people, talks down to people from her superior view of the world, and then dumps the kindest people in her life.
I promise that her karma will come around to her. And she will end up receiving exactly what she does to others (tho I would never wish that on anyone).
I love this example. I dated a guy (erp, for three years!) that was always cruel to waitstaff. It didn’t happen immediately but eventually he turned that negativity toward me. Why it took so long to leave that relationship is for another conversation though!
Yup. This has happened to me as well. It is the kindest people I know who offer grace to others. (You’re one of those who is that kind). Kind people are susceptible to being used and abused, but I wouldn’t trade that kindness for anything.
And yes, it sounds like a great idea for another Talk with Me conversation!! (The why we stay)
I feel conflicted about this one. I know people with hearts of gold who live in cluttered spaces. I also wonder whether someone who obsessively chases success at work can necessarily pursue their private life like that? The examples of watching for patterns and consistency are helpful. But sometimes people who have the capacity for deep empathy and intimacy don’t have the same care for their finances or tidiness. I suppose I’ve always been one of those who thought that a clean desk was a sign of dullness!
Thanks Josh. I would like to add a couple more things to what you’ve said.
Being a cluttered space person does not preclude having a wonderful heart. The observation that needs to happen is that if a person is cluttered in one area of their life, they also will in other areas (their mind, their friends, their closet etc) your choice is about whether or not you are okay with clutter.
People who are obsessive about chasing work goals evidence that they can be single focused. The question to consider is whether or not they do that to the detriment of other areas of their life. And is their single focus something that they stick with no matter what? Or do they also tend to drop things quickly if they don’t get results?
The same goes for deeply empathetic people and some not being able to track their finances… could it be that they tend to put everyone else’s needs before their own, and thus can be swept up in the energy of things when people need them? This kind of person will most likely forfeit other areas of their life if they forfeit responsibility for their own finances. What you’re seeing is that finances don’t matter as much to them. And the result is that they will allow other things that don't matter to them to slide.
My point is that we need to be observant and consciously choose what we can be okay with.
If you don’t mind clutter, then it is irrelevant to you. Just do not expect tidiness.
If you don’t mind taking second place to someone’s career, then it won’t bother you that they are single focused and take you for granted.
If someone chooses to not be responsible about their finances, it’s important to decide if you either are willing to take care of that grown up responsibility for them, or if you can maintain an uninvolved position.
It is all about being observant and not imagining someone will change.
This is such a great post (and idea for ongoing posts - going to dig into #2 shortly). With people, the wait staff example is a great one. Tipping too.
I like your last two words of this post to be multiple-use: pay attention. Because do they (or have they) walked the walk or just talked the talk? Do people’s actions match the words being spoken? That’s the one that jumps at me. I think for people who are quick to trust and believe the best in people naturally, not checking if the actions match the nice, shiny, pretty words can be problematic. 😊
Thanks for the great response Mike. I completely agree about tipping.
All the actions of a person show who they are.. which is a good thing when we are paying attention!🤗
If people have animals trapped in their homes for entertainment...big red flag for me. Do they have fish in an aquarium, or birds in a cage? Are they sadists who enjoy watching animals suffering? Run.
People who are unkind to any animal is also a huge no to me. I agree.
I would add to this list - Are they fairly polite drivers or are they drivers that never let anyone in - even when they have nowhere to go.
Good one, Yes, drivers who are adverse to letting someone in to the line of merging traffic are bizarre.
This is so insightful. I've always found the wait staff interactions to be so revealing. It's actually so refreshing when someone is respectful to them.
I so agree! Being with people who are kind and respectful to waitstaff is such grand fun!
Thank you for restacking this Pam!
Love this and use it all the time in maybe slightly different terms—but your observations are spot on.
The waitstaff one is so revealing. Thanks Teyani. 🙏
Thanks Dee. The confirmation is always great! The waitstaff is indeed one of the most telling! I cannot sit by and let anyone ever do this. I’ve been kinda known to make a badass scene. (Ahem🫢) not sorry.
Not sure if you ever read my Church ladies post? 😂
https://deerambeau.substack.com/p/the-church-ladies-at-table-19-got
What a fabulous post! And I truly l.o.v.e. What you did. Seriously cool. I have also served large parties of people who had no idea what it took to be a server.
I’m pretty good at loudly putting another person at my table in their place for any rudeness toward our server, but I couldn’t have pulled off such a coo as you did, with such panache! Bravo.
Glad you enjoyed it.
Hard to believe I had cool and panache at such a young age. Must have stumbled into it through sheer inertia ☺️
I had a "friend" who chose to chastise a server at a restaurant over the fact that the glass of wine she ordered was served in the wrong style of glass. I remember thinking that this "friend" was quite mean and condescending and that I didn't like it. She also spoke disparagingly about other people to me. She was writing a cookbook and I helped her extensively with her prose, almost re-writing entire sections from what she originally had, sections that ended up in her final copy. I also tested many recipes and helped her to finalize many of them. After all that, she didn't acknowledge me in the book credits, and after writing a glowing ode to our friendship in the copy she gave me, she ghosted me a few months later. She saved me from having a difficult conversation with her, and showed me her true colors, and while it stung at the time, I came to see it as a blessing in disguise. I'm very particular about who I spend time with, and that taught me a big lesson on listening to that gut instinct.
Oh Kate. I’m sorry to hear of the cruelty with which she used you and your kindness. You didn’t deserve that. And yes, clearly she uses people, talks down to people from her superior view of the world, and then dumps the kindest people in her life.
I promise that her karma will come around to her. And she will end up receiving exactly what she does to others (tho I would never wish that on anyone).
I love this example. I dated a guy (erp, for three years!) that was always cruel to waitstaff. It didn’t happen immediately but eventually he turned that negativity toward me. Why it took so long to leave that relationship is for another conversation though!
Yup. This has happened to me as well. It is the kindest people I know who offer grace to others. (You’re one of those who is that kind). Kind people are susceptible to being used and abused, but I wouldn’t trade that kindness for anything.
And yes, it sounds like a great idea for another Talk with Me conversation!! (The why we stay)
Yes! That would be a fabulous discussion too. 💛