Teyani, I have a broken picker too! I never married because, well, my picker is broken and though I thought I might marry a couple of different times it never happened. Now at 67, almost 68, I don't see meeting mister right anytime in the near future. I found myself recently attracting two mister wrongs at my 50th high school reunion!
Oh my…. Yes, you understand. Isn’t it kinda funny to imagine our picker is broken?
I think mine has been rebuilt into a newer better version of itself now. And it brings me more contentment to consider the kind of love I want to attract.
I don’t see myself attracting Mr. Right either, b.u.t…. I have an open mind and heart to allow for that possibility.
I’d love to hear the stories behind the mister wrongs from h.s. Reunion 🤭
I LOVE this post so much. I read it twice because it’s so thought-provoking. I’m also saving it as a handy guide someday hopefully 😊. Glad we are in the same “club” and also glad we aren’t in the 9-timers club! Phew!
So good Teyani. We spend our whole lives—certainly our love lives—trying to unwind the tight ball of early attachment and inheritances. I know when I began looking at patterns in my relationships after I got sober—it was pretty evident to me that I had hard work ahead. As did Ann. When we met we made one conscious decision: do this differently. Hang around each other long enough—without sex—to see if we actually liked one another. It was tough because we had both used sex as a weapon in different dysfunctional ways in the past. Whether age, divine intervention, or hard work—or all of the above—we’ve made it so far. Your definitions of love are spot on. I’m here to tell you that when I stopped looking and caring about it—somehow it found me. ❤️
Thoughtful and deeply personal writing -- thank you. The topic recalls a debate I often had with my friends as a college student (but is no less relevant now), whether true love required some form of Puck's fairy dust (a la "A Midsummer Night's Dream") or whether there is an essential distinction between that kind of spark and the more enduring kind, perhaps embodied in Benedick and Beatrice, in "Much Ado About Nothing," where there is almost the opposite initially -- a friction or hostility, almost -- that matures into a love that isn't spicy, but perhaps has a stronger foundation?
My own problem as a cerebral introvert is overthinking relationships at the beginning to the point of possibly thwarting them before they've had a chance to mature. For that reason, I perhaps have exaggerated the importance of a spark because I want love to be out of my control, something that acts upon me rather than something I choose. And that is perhaps an immature view, given that I now know all too well (having been married just once) how much work love requires.
Even so, there does have to be a pretty strong tingle somewhere in there, right? Or are you saying that really is unnecessary?
Fairy dust and friction can be brought into the mix, absolutely! And the tingle? Oh yes… that is there too. I believe these feelings can happen within the solidity of real love. Romance does not mean addiction. Addictive love is the wanting more more More despite knowing it is bad for you. Addictive caring pushes a person to skip important work so you can impulsively drive out of town, or stay up way too late on a “school night” (ignoring the responsible commitments you made for the next day) addictive love is screaming matches where every nasty name in the book is hurled then passionate love (make up sex) happens violently afterwards.
True love is the imagining your time together tomorrow with joy and the long, deep hug when you meet with “omgosh I am so glad to see you, you feel and smell amazing” instead of driving over in the middle of the night because you couldn’t wait to see them. The second is addiction, dopamine rush and doesn’t allow for the deeper, fuller joy of treasuring a person to build. It rushes in and grabs the candy instead.
What I’m suggesting is richer than the momentary rush. Real love invites safety and trust so deep that we can create vulnerable intimacy, it is there to cheer for your success, and never undermines adult commitments, it treasures the person instead of craving them.
Smart discourse, as always. To answer fully, with concrete examples, I'd have to follow up privately. I take your points about the difference between healthy love and addictive love. I've never experienced that addictive form -- I am not wired to scream at someone or be screamed at and then dive into bed. And I agree that momentary rushes are little more than that. But I have sometimes wondered whether the tingle can emerge from the safety and trust (women seem more capable of this?) or whether an element of that "you feel and smell amazing" has to be there from the start. So it's not a simple binary of unrestrained craving and intentional treasuring, but more a mix of controlled hunger and mindful connection? I like the idea of hunger emerging from friendship, but I've never experienced it that way.
Curious about your thoughts on John Gottman's book. I discovered it too late for my first marriage -- all of his Four Horsemen were at full gallop -- but I see it as a useful guide for future relationships. Intimacy maps don't just happen, for instance. I suspect that the question of letting one's partner influence you is a more complicated one, since that really does require some thoughtfulness about overcoming what could otherwise be dealbreaking differences.
The Gottmans are wonderful people, and have many important things to teach us about loving relationships. The only dilemma I have with their style is all the acronyms they use. I cannot remember them. Their four horsemen discourse is well documented as accurate.
One of my favorite observations of theirs is to observe whether couples “turn toward” or “turn away” from each other. (Where is their choice of being interested or not). It is revealing about the underlying state of mind of each person. Boredom and disinterest are surely not love.
I wonder if you have experienced having a person truly treasure you? Appreciate you and experience the delightful ease of being in your presence? People who turn to you for insight and wisdom, leaning into your strengths and appreciating your connection to the earth with your garden? I surely hope so, because there appears to be much to respect and to lean on. I do believe that love can grow from a solid base such as this.
So true… it’s a shame that most people don’t realize that there is a much deeper level of that same wow.. once the addictive rush of dopamine leaves, what is there? Often nothing but the ugly, and very little of the rush.
I now stretch for the larger power, the committed love, the incredible, strong, durable unbreakable, safe real love.
I think that many of my boomer aged friends have been married multiple times. and I thank you for appreciating this essay, and all the love you send my way.
Non- romantic is a fascinating thing to consider… I guess that I do think the kind of love I am seeking can be deeply romantic, yet it’s not dramatic.
Romance, and how it is generated is a super discussion, (and maybe a good next essay?.🫣) romance can be little things like remembering exactly how your love likes their coffee, planning and executing a sweet dinner date at a new place you know they will love, taking the kids to the park so your love can sleep in, flowers for no reason at all, setting up a birthday party where friends write notes to read telling their favorite stories about your love…., oh, I could go on.
I remember the exact day and location when I explained to my oldest daughter that falling in love comes in three essential stages: (and these may happen faster now because of smart phones)
*first 1-3 months: we fall in love with a person getting it about us, and we get it about them. We bring out the best parts of each other.
* second 3-6 months: we see and learn about the “less than perfect” parts of our love. And they see our imperfect parts too. We see their unconscious patterns and they see ours. And we question whether or not this is love.
* Third 6-12 months: we consciously choose that this person is ‘good enough’, kind enough, intelligent enough, attractive enough, loves us enough etc. and we decide to love them as they are. This decision is made over and over throughout your relationship, and deciding to ‘leave’ takes conscious choice, not an impulse.
When I said this to her she came back with ‘but that isn’t romantic! And it doesn’t sound like much fun!’ - I replied with, well, yes, it can be loads of fun, and it can be very romantic… but it’s all by choice. We learn how to laugh WITH someone at their quirks and foibles, instead of disliking the person for them…….
Teyani, I have a broken picker too! I never married because, well, my picker is broken and though I thought I might marry a couple of different times it never happened. Now at 67, almost 68, I don't see meeting mister right anytime in the near future. I found myself recently attracting two mister wrongs at my 50th high school reunion!
Oh my…. Yes, you understand. Isn’t it kinda funny to imagine our picker is broken?
I think mine has been rebuilt into a newer better version of itself now. And it brings me more contentment to consider the kind of love I want to attract.
I don’t see myself attracting Mr. Right either, b.u.t…. I have an open mind and heart to allow for that possibility.
I’d love to hear the stories behind the mister wrongs from h.s. Reunion 🤭
I LOVE this post so much. I read it twice because it’s so thought-provoking. I’m also saving it as a handy guide someday hopefully 😊. Glad we are in the same “club” and also glad we aren’t in the 9-timers club! Phew!
Yes… glad we aren’t in the nine timers club as well.
Good to know this post has been helpful to you. ❤️
So good Teyani. We spend our whole lives—certainly our love lives—trying to unwind the tight ball of early attachment and inheritances. I know when I began looking at patterns in my relationships after I got sober—it was pretty evident to me that I had hard work ahead. As did Ann. When we met we made one conscious decision: do this differently. Hang around each other long enough—without sex—to see if we actually liked one another. It was tough because we had both used sex as a weapon in different dysfunctional ways in the past. Whether age, divine intervention, or hard work—or all of the above—we’ve made it so far. Your definitions of love are spot on. I’m here to tell you that when I stopped looking and caring about it—somehow it found me. ❤️
The story of you and Ann is beautiful. And I’m not surprised by it- you can see it shining in both of your eyes from your wedding photos.
We’ve grown, haven’t we 💞
Yes we have 🙏👏❤️
Thoughtful and deeply personal writing -- thank you. The topic recalls a debate I often had with my friends as a college student (but is no less relevant now), whether true love required some form of Puck's fairy dust (a la "A Midsummer Night's Dream") or whether there is an essential distinction between that kind of spark and the more enduring kind, perhaps embodied in Benedick and Beatrice, in "Much Ado About Nothing," where there is almost the opposite initially -- a friction or hostility, almost -- that matures into a love that isn't spicy, but perhaps has a stronger foundation?
My own problem as a cerebral introvert is overthinking relationships at the beginning to the point of possibly thwarting them before they've had a chance to mature. For that reason, I perhaps have exaggerated the importance of a spark because I want love to be out of my control, something that acts upon me rather than something I choose. And that is perhaps an immature view, given that I now know all too well (having been married just once) how much work love requires.
Even so, there does have to be a pretty strong tingle somewhere in there, right? Or are you saying that really is unnecessary?
Fairy dust and friction can be brought into the mix, absolutely! And the tingle? Oh yes… that is there too. I believe these feelings can happen within the solidity of real love. Romance does not mean addiction. Addictive love is the wanting more more More despite knowing it is bad for you. Addictive caring pushes a person to skip important work so you can impulsively drive out of town, or stay up way too late on a “school night” (ignoring the responsible commitments you made for the next day) addictive love is screaming matches where every nasty name in the book is hurled then passionate love (make up sex) happens violently afterwards.
True love is the imagining your time together tomorrow with joy and the long, deep hug when you meet with “omgosh I am so glad to see you, you feel and smell amazing” instead of driving over in the middle of the night because you couldn’t wait to see them. The second is addiction, dopamine rush and doesn’t allow for the deeper, fuller joy of treasuring a person to build. It rushes in and grabs the candy instead.
What I’m suggesting is richer than the momentary rush. Real love invites safety and trust so deep that we can create vulnerable intimacy, it is there to cheer for your success, and never undermines adult commitments, it treasures the person instead of craving them.
What do you feel about this?
Smart discourse, as always. To answer fully, with concrete examples, I'd have to follow up privately. I take your points about the difference between healthy love and addictive love. I've never experienced that addictive form -- I am not wired to scream at someone or be screamed at and then dive into bed. And I agree that momentary rushes are little more than that. But I have sometimes wondered whether the tingle can emerge from the safety and trust (women seem more capable of this?) or whether an element of that "you feel and smell amazing" has to be there from the start. So it's not a simple binary of unrestrained craving and intentional treasuring, but more a mix of controlled hunger and mindful connection? I like the idea of hunger emerging from friendship, but I've never experienced it that way.
Curious about your thoughts on John Gottman's book. I discovered it too late for my first marriage -- all of his Four Horsemen were at full gallop -- but I see it as a useful guide for future relationships. Intimacy maps don't just happen, for instance. I suspect that the question of letting one's partner influence you is a more complicated one, since that really does require some thoughtfulness about overcoming what could otherwise be dealbreaking differences.
I’d be glad to talk privately if you’d like to😊
The Gottmans are wonderful people, and have many important things to teach us about loving relationships. The only dilemma I have with their style is all the acronyms they use. I cannot remember them. Their four horsemen discourse is well documented as accurate.
One of my favorite observations of theirs is to observe whether couples “turn toward” or “turn away” from each other. (Where is their choice of being interested or not). It is revealing about the underlying state of mind of each person. Boredom and disinterest are surely not love.
I wonder if you have experienced having a person truly treasure you? Appreciate you and experience the delightful ease of being in your presence? People who turn to you for insight and wisdom, leaning into your strengths and appreciating your connection to the earth with your garden? I surely hope so, because there appears to be much to respect and to lean on. I do believe that love can grow from a solid base such as this.
Yes, the turning toward vs away is spot on. I’ll message you to follow up!
Been there, done that. I can truly relate to what you're saying.
Thank you… I appreciate your understanding !
Love is all this that you explain. Looking at it, I'm not sure it's what many people who claim to want it really want. They mostly want dopamine.
So true… it’s a shame that most people don’t realize that there is a much deeper level of that same wow.. once the addictive rush of dopamine leaves, what is there? Often nothing but the ugly, and very little of the rush.
I now stretch for the larger power, the committed love, the incredible, strong, durable unbreakable, safe real love.
Much well-earned wisdom in this post, Teyani!
Thank you Paul! I believe that all the beauty and intimacy can grow from what real love begins.
I think that many of my boomer aged friends have been married multiple times. and I thank you for appreciating this essay, and all the love you send my way.
Non- romantic is a fascinating thing to consider… I guess that I do think the kind of love I am seeking can be deeply romantic, yet it’s not dramatic.
Romance, and how it is generated is a super discussion, (and maybe a good next essay?.🫣) romance can be little things like remembering exactly how your love likes their coffee, planning and executing a sweet dinner date at a new place you know they will love, taking the kids to the park so your love can sleep in, flowers for no reason at all, setting up a birthday party where friends write notes to read telling their favorite stories about your love…., oh, I could go on.
Love those wise children of ours! 💞
I remember the exact day and location when I explained to my oldest daughter that falling in love comes in three essential stages: (and these may happen faster now because of smart phones)
*first 1-3 months: we fall in love with a person getting it about us, and we get it about them. We bring out the best parts of each other.
* second 3-6 months: we see and learn about the “less than perfect” parts of our love. And they see our imperfect parts too. We see their unconscious patterns and they see ours. And we question whether or not this is love.
* Third 6-12 months: we consciously choose that this person is ‘good enough’, kind enough, intelligent enough, attractive enough, loves us enough etc. and we decide to love them as they are. This decision is made over and over throughout your relationship, and deciding to ‘leave’ takes conscious choice, not an impulse.
When I said this to her she came back with ‘but that isn’t romantic! And it doesn’t sound like much fun!’ - I replied with, well, yes, it can be loads of fun, and it can be very romantic… but it’s all by choice. We learn how to laugh WITH someone at their quirks and foibles, instead of disliking the person for them…….
I choose love too.
😘 no, I haven’t published it anywhere 🤭