Dilemmas in Love; Is my “picker” broken?

You have a love history. Me too.

There are certain types that light me up initially and beckon my inner flirt. Others have put me on guard and then quickly escalate to an ‘oh hell no’. Even more have been ‘yeah, I’ll have dinner with you’ but there’s no spice, no fire.

What is it that I’m looking for? Where might I find it? And how?

I admit to having been married more than twice yet less than half of what Elizabeth Taylor did (she was married 8 times, well 7 if you count that she married the same person twice.) It seems I may be in good company with more than one marriage amid movie stars (Jennifer Lopez 4, Nicholas Cage 4, ZaZa Gabor 9, Mikey Rooney 7, Larry King 8, George Foreman 5, James Cameron 5, Blake Shelton 3, Tom Cruise 3, Muhammad Ali 4, Richard Pryor 7… I could go on, but you get the idea).

I am single now, and have been for almost ten years. I’ve chosen to be single for now, and doubt that I would ever remarry. I do not dislike men, nor do I blame any of them for my choices. I’ve written about marrying one man twice (How He Felt). He was the father of my two daughters, and a good guy, after all. I spent the better part of seventeen years with him. Both my other marriages were short lived, one in my early twenties was ten months long (he tried to kill me) and one when I turned sixty was a year and a half long (turns out he was a true sociopath.)

“Is my picker broken?” is not only a funny sounding question, it’s a question many of my friends and I have asked ourselves. And how would I know if it was? Such a good question yet it’s ultimately the wrong place to go digging for answers.

I’ve spent a great deal of time studying human process, how we make decisions and what we base our likes and dislikes on. It fascinates me. If you’ve guessed that one’s “picker” is most influenced by childhood, ding ding goes the bell! You’re right!

So very much of life is a retelling of the environment we began within. If your household was boisterous, filled with loud frequent arguments (whether or not they were serious ones) or if one parent frequently travelled, you will usually recreate a similar type of partnership as your family had. If it was quiet, you’ll most likely create that. It isn’t because you were incredibly happy as a child, tho you might have been, nor is it that your parents were happy, tho they could have been as well. Rather, it is what the familiar pattern of “love” is within your unconscious that creates your current perception of love.

We learn what love is by observing those around us, and imagining how they feel and guessing at how they made their choices. I believe women and men have moved into better awareness now of what healthy love is, yet there are still barriers and poor role models.

For perspective, I graduated college in early 1975, after taking a semester off. It was the year before, in 1974 that women were first given the right to buy a home, apply for a loan, have their own checking account, and establish their own credit history. I was 21 years old. It was only two years later that I married the first time. I had no idea what marriage meant. Sure, I dated a bunch in college, but real love? Hmmmm. Looking back now, I don’t think so. I had crushes and hung out and partied with people. It feels strange to reflect on it now, but no one ever talked with me about what I thought real love was. Let’s talk about it more now.

I am not seeking excuses for my choices. No. Instead, I hope to understand them. As I was growing up, society taught women that in order to have a home, we had to be married or have a male purchase it for us, we could not own it ourselves. My family history was that women were obedient to men, we were considered the property of our husband. Coveture is a long standing legal practice which began in colonial times, and continued thru recent history within my lifetime. What happened behind closed doors remained unspoken.

Coverture held that no female person had a legal identity.

Married women had no rights to their bodies. That meant that not only would a husband have a claim to any wages generated by his wife’s labor or to the fruits of her body (her children), but he also had an absolute right to sexual access

Coverture is why women weren’t regularly allowed on juries until the 1960s, and marital rape wasn’t a crime until the 1980s. ~ Catherine Allgor, director of education at The Huntington Library published Sept 2012.

The social acceptance of wife beating can be traced back to 753BC; under the rule of Romulus, The Laws of Chastisement deemed wife beating legal so long as the rod or stick being used for physical discipline had a circumference no bigger than the girth of the base of the man’s right thumb, known as “The Rule of Thumb.”~ Columbia University Study on Freedom and Citizenship 2018

In 1994, the Violence Against Women Act was created, acknowledging domestic violence and sexual assault as crimes. ~ Columbia University Study on Freedom and Citizenship 2018.

(As an aside, please note here that most women prefer using the phrase “as a general rule” versus “as a rule of thumb” for good reasons.)

Ah-ha I say to myself! My picker isn’t broken! It has simply been colored in by lots of out dated, male dominant, female subservient beliefs. And, for good measure, my definition of love, what it felt like to be loved, what it looked like from the outside, and my complete experience of it were skewed by the lives of people who came before me.

I ask myself now, what does it mean to love and to be loved? What is love versus addiction? Versus control and manipulation? And can it last?

Let’s begin with yes. it can Last. I promise. With an investment of your attention, your wisdom and continued choice it can last. Is it effortless? Nope. Is it easy? It can be once you understand that it has nothing to do with looks, sexual attraction, age, living together, dependence, nor gender preference.

I’ve written out a bit of what I believe love is.

To love someone:

• You care about their well being, their hopes, their dreams, and wish them well even if that comes at the cost of staying together.

• You trust them completely, and feel safe with them.

• You both equally invest time in the relationship; communicating, resolving any conflicts, listening, wanting to know and choosing to work on understanding each other’s feelings

• You prioritize your time together, and make compromises for the benefit of the relationship, and you respect each other.

• You choose daily to love each other, be supportive of each other, help each other get their needs met.

• You respect boundaries, and choose to be intimate, you show up for each other every single day.

• You are friends. And the sense of “home” happens when you are together.

  

None of these qualities create the dopamine thrill of an addictive relationship. Love is a choice, addiction is a need, a constant irresistible craving. While I hope to see my love every single day, it might not always be possible. And? I am able to be on my own, and respectfully honor myself. My preference is to be with them, yet I won’t be nothing without them. Love does not threaten nor manipulate. Love does not lie. And most of all, to me, love is kind.

My dilemmas in love happened mostly when I was young. I am responsible for all my choices, there’s no one truly to blame. I made bad choices in love because my model of love was not right for me, and I did not recognize my worth. I know better now, and make better choices. I’m not embarrassed by my history, nor should you be of yours. It’s simply what is. I value myself now. I am open to love, and I receive a great deal of it in many forms now through family, friends, neighbors and people I choose to interact with. I gladly accept love into my life. I’m quite easily bored by all the other stuff and all the drama static. And, just as I am able to do within on line forums, I may simply “unsubscribe” from them and their world. No drama nor lengthy discussion is needed.

It would be lovely to share more conversation with you about my thoughts. Have I forgotten anything? Anything I’ve said here seem confusing? Let’s talk about this and bring new insights to our worlds.