Talk with Me- thoughts on “why we stay”

#2

Consider this: There’s an argument…. Harsh words are spoken….. Some threats of goodbye…. This time together ends badly, with no resolution found.

Do we stay?

The question to ponder is what is the pull that causes us to stay? What entices our heart to try again? There is something that happens before the words of ending are spoken that makes it so difficult to imagine following through. Have we made the right decision? Do we trust ourselves?

What is it? When is it good to listen? When is it the right time to leave?

Let’s explore these questions a little bit. It is true that no two situations are exactly alike, yet I can promise there are a few that the choice is clear.

Violence is never okay. Never. If there is violence, please leave. No second chance. As they say in the game of Monopoly, Do not pass go, do not collect any dollars. Full stop. I think I’m consistently clear about my boundaries around violence and the answer is always no. As a small side bar, if someone you are with smashes the wall in anger, please recognize the truth : there is only a very small distance between that wall and your face. That person will escalate. I’ve counseled people who have been battered for 31+ years. What I am telling you is the truth. Hard stop. Do not stay.

Aside from violence, disagreements are healthy and normal. We are not meant to be 1000% in agreement with all people. We all have independent thoughts and ways of seeing the world. What’s more important than agreeing about everything is how you disagree and how you resolve things when you do.

I’ve written an entire chapter in my book Staying Together on how to resolve disagreements. (Chapter 4 Not Me but We. Click on this link to read it.)

There is a step before deciding to work things out. This step is to consciously make the choice of whether or not we should stay, should we invest more of ourselves? Try again? Is the relationship worth it?

I have listened to people say ‘but I love him/her so much.’ ‘I can’t live without them.’ ‘We’ve already been together for years, I can’t just throw that all away.’ ‘What would we tell our kids (or friends or family)?’ ‘I have no where else to go’. ‘I’m afraid it’s true that no one else will ever love me’. ‘I’m too scared to be alone.’ ‘This is the best I can get.’

Are any of these thoughts reason enough to stay? The answer is maybe or then again, maybe not. Each of us must decide what is “enough” for us and how we are willing to live our lives. It’s important to choose how we let people treat us, versus allowing bad treatment just because we are used to it.

Imagine, you’re in the middle of an argument, maybe even one that you have no idea how it began, but you find yourself right there. It feels terrible. Tempers are flaring hot. Tears may be falling. Voices may be raised. And what else?

It is the what else is happening that is important to pay attention to.

• Are there insults?

• Degrading put downs?

• Filthy names being called?

• Disgust? Distain?

• Cold indifference to the other’s pain?

• Are either of you taking a stance of “I refuse to change my mind?”

If any of these behaviors is part of the argument, it would be important to slow your process, to take time and observe both yourself and your partner more deeply. The loss of respect apparent in any of these attitudes and the mind set that goes along with those attitudes is difficult to get beyond. The attitudes listed above break trust. Without trust, there is no relationship. I will remind you that if you’ve had this style of argument in the past, you will have them again. The pattern can be changed, but only with conscious effort.

While it is perfectly okay to disagree with your partner and / or good friend, it is a totally different thing to assassinate their character.

If someone is belittling you, has an attitude of disgust or is calling you filthy names, please end the argument as soon as possible. Put some distance between yourselves. And allow time to pass. During this time apart, reach into the place within you that observes what is happening. Almost like you’re watching a movie, and observe how you are being treated. Before you decide to give things another try, consider a few questions:

• has this style of disagreement happened before?

• Am I wondering if the other person even likes me?

• Is there a substance involved (alcohol or drugs?)

• How long have we been together? And what is the frequency and type of argument?

• Do I feel safe? Do I feel respected? Is there a possibility that I can be heard after tempers become calmer?

Take your time to answer each of these questions for yourself. Then consider one true thought: You deserve better.

Have you been persuaded to stay with someone who treats you with disgust? Insults you? Be curious about where you learned to accept this level of poor treatment.

You deserve better.

And so we reach the other half of this discussion, when should we stay?

• you feel safe.

• You know that your partner/friend/family will be willing to have a calm conversation after emotions have calmed.

• You know you are respected, and despite someone being angry, love has not been withdrawn.

• You have a history of having disagreements in the past that you have been able to resolve.

• The other person wants to find a resolution.

• Even if you continue to disagree about this topic, you can establish a way to allow each other to keep their beliefs and it will not create a rift between you.

If you do not know where to begin in order to find resolution with your partner, one place to begin is to buy my book Staying Together or other books on couples communication. Other options are to consult a mediator, therapist, counselor, minister, neutral friend, etc. If you and your partner have made an investment in each other emotionally, and all the other aspects of your relationship are healthy and in a place where you both want to continue to grow, then staying together to work things through is most likely a good choice.

What do you think? Are there situations you are still confused about? Talk with me.