Talk with me - If I could give you one new glimpse of sky…
You’d learn that dancing alone can be joyful.
I originally began this essay in earnest, powered up with facts, quotations from Vivek Murthy (the Surgeon General), as well as a shared a peek inside the reality of thousands of couples I have worked with, and ended it with what I have learned in the last ten years of living alone.
While it might have been an article worthy of newsprint ink, it was boring. It was coming from my head, not my heart. I’m sharing now what I most wish for each of us, we can be alone as we want and still have togetherness. We can look up and see that new piece of sky.
I wanted to be partnered from the time I was a teen. I dreamed of someone with whom I could share the fragments of brand new ideas and they would not scoff, someone who would know by just a glance that I needed a hug, and who never thought I had a resting ‘stay the hell away’ face. I have been guilty of marrying because someone was “safe” and the world was overwhelming. I married because I didn’t know what the heck marriage was outside of the stories. I dated because I wanted to be held and because sex while “in a relationship” felt safest.
Living real has taken a bite out of my heart. I’ve sifted and saved what it takes to make a powerful relationship work, and I’m writing a book about it. My hope is that it serves all the people it touches.
The courageous first step is I took was to lose all societal expectations that I had to “paired” to be happy. Society is telling a bold-faced lie that was created during times of war, back when women were chattel, and marrying two families together was to create a truce.
In spite of being in treacherous times where many freedoms are being lost, women may still live alone, may own property and a checking account. We can live on our own.
Why are so many people still stressed about living alone? And might they be willing to be curious about how to make things better? I don’t know. Yet, I’m here to offer a hand linking you to some hope, and showing you that new view of the sky. Dancing alone can indeed be fun, and loneliness in life ain’t required.
I listened to a podcast recently called “why we choose emotionally unavailable people” which might have been better labeled as “succeeding at living alone”. Here’s the link to the podcast. (On Pupose with Jay Shetty ). It’s part of what prompted these thoughts.
I’ve known many folks who were in unhappy relationships. Some people choose to remain in bad relationships so they didn’t have to be alone.
I’m not against staying in relationship, no, not at all. In fact, I’m mid way through writing a book titled Staying Together. I am 100% all in for improving the relationships we have. My book guides partners on how to strengthen and deepen their relationships. The first half of it is published here on my Substack for free. The second half chapters will be partially available to free subscribers.
My book is written for folks who want to make things better, and believe there is enough of a good foundation to accomplish this. Today I’m exploring another option, a way to build a happier life than the one you have today.
Vivek Murthy, the Surgeon General, says we have an Epidemic of Loneliness. People who are lonely for a prolonged period of time risk shortening their life span by up to 15 years. There is no need to be lonely. There’s some investment of your effort involved in changing this, yet it’s not that hard.
The societal stigma of being alone, stirred up by people’s worst fear about it, overlaid with the magical belief that “everyone else is happily partnered” creates the sensation that we’re in a house with no windows, no air, all jealousy, and misery, locked within it and must stay there forever. Many actually believe that they have no choice. This is lie number one. You always have a choice.
I’ve been in some less than perfect situations in my many years. At some point within these years, I have chosen to walk away. It can take a lot to have me leave, or it can also only take one thing. I’ve been in both types of situations.
Are you content? Happy? Missing something? Longing? Lost in not knowing what to do? Resolved to a place of lack? Choosing “the devil you know” over the unknown?
When I was walking away from relationship, I never had a better option on the side. My choice was made with eyes wide open to the possibility I might live alone the rest of my life. Each time, it’s been a choice to be alone versus suffering within a bad situation. Brave? You might guess that but in that moment, not so much. I simply was not willing to settle.
My choices are made from a place of trusting myself.
Tho, I didn’t trust myself at first. I went thru my teens and much of my twenties trying to fit myself within society’s image of normal. Note to all: it wasn’t a good look on me. Acting normal was like wearing a pair of too tight shoes. Even my best smile for the camera look barely hid the strain.
What is it about being alone that people hate so much? Do people believe that we can only be happy when we are in a relationship?
Our culture has created so many images of smiling couples walking the beach, having picnics, traveling, versus singles drinking themselves into oblivion, or embarrassed by dining alone. This is lie number two. Not all singles are unhappy. Some are, of course, but no one has to stay that way.
Do all the choices when you’re with someone require either living alone or leaving your relationship? Of course not, silly bean. Yet most all the choices involve pulling your head out of the deep sand of complaint-ville, and forever walking away from feeling-sorry-for-yourself-mentality.
Choosing to be happier with life as it is will most likely require changing our mind about some of what culture has taught us, and it will require new choices. I can safely generalize here to say that happiness, whether alone or partnered, requires effort on our part. Once we decide to invest and make the effort, it’s possible to deepen happiness.
There are people who believe that their partner must be their best friend, their rock to always lean on, cheerleader, lover, intellectual stimulation, exercise companion, travel companion, co-chef in the kitchen, chore sharers….. the list goes on and on…. This is lie number three.
There are many wonderful and awesome reasons for partnering with another person. But.. (or should that be BUT…) no one can be all those things to another person. It’s not possible, and frankly it’d be quite boring for most people to even try.
What I’m thinking about today is the truth that we can choose to be happy while living alone. How does anybody do this? The pathway is much simpler than you might imagine.
As we begin to think about our own life, and no, please do not compare yourself to anyone else, ask yourself what brings me joy? Reading a book? Traveling? Having small gatherings at home for friends? Challenging work / volunteer time? Great conversation? Crafting? Cooking for an appreciative eater? Board games or card nights? Movies? Hiking? Camping? Exercise? Photography? Cycling? Sailing?
For each choice you make to add to your list of things that make you happy, ask: do I enjoy doing this alone? Or is it better with a friend? We can be happy dining alone (I will often sit at the bar so I can do a bit of people watching!) or we can meet up with people then return to our home to relax.
If having a friend share the experience doubles the joy, then set your mind on finding one person to join you in that activity. This person doesn’t have to be the best conversationalist in order to have a rousing laughter filled game night, nor does a movie going pal need to be aligned with your every view in life to enjoy popcorn and maybe the most recent Marvel-Universe big screen extravaganza. In fact, having different people fulfill companionship needs for different activities will expand your world and broaden your sense of contentment everywhere.
I can almost hear someone heaving a large sigh of defeat here. Is that you? Don’t quit on me yet. There are many ways to find new friends
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*If you enjoy going on bicycling rides, many towns have groups that meet up regularly to ride together. Check with your local bike shop.
*If you enjoy hiking, find a nearby REI or rock climbing gym. Quite a few of them have classes you could take.
*Need something to occupy your intellect? You might begin by asking yourself what kind of situation you enjoy: exercise facility? Food co-op? Political rallies? Environmental concerns? Home remodeling? You could contact your local YMCA and volunteer, look for an organic grocery store near you, and you’ll most likely find a co-op where you could volunteer as a shelf stocker or check out person.
*If politics is your thing, contact the mayors office, or senator or congressmen near you and ask about volunteer options, most political parties need folks to stuff and label mailing items or make phone calls.
*If you like gardening, check in at a local community college and take a master gardeners class.
*Home remodeling? Volunteer at Habitat for humanity.
The list goes on and on. If you get stuck, and have no idea how to begin, share your interests in the comments and I’ll see if I can help brainstorm how to find people.
When I moved to a new town about two hours south of where I am now, I didn’t know anyone there. I spent some time unpacking and making my home comfortable (new paint, some garden plants, new curtains in a room or two etc.) after the basics were completed, I reviewed my list of things I enjoy. I love to sing, so I searched Mr Google for choral singing groups. I found one and auditioned. Such fun! I made lifetime close friends in that group.
When the singing group went on summer break, I decided to start a knitting group. My hope was five or six people. I found a free place to hang out and invited one person I knew from singing and asked her to invite a friend or neighbor. First meeting there were three of us, the next was seven, then after that about ten or twelve each week. Someone always brought snacks (no organizing needed). If conversation floundered, we always could talk about patterns and yarn.
By the time I lived pretty much anywhere for a year, I had people I knew from many diverse sources and I was only as “alone” as I chose to be.
When I’m able to stand and cook, I do turn on the music and dance. While no one is here dancing with me today, I believe I can find someone when I choose to. Until then, I will watch the night comets and shooting stars when I cannot sleep, and laugh each time I see one.
“Together” is a compilation of thoughts by Teyani Whitman. All posts are free, along with the first half of my book Staying Together. For every three monthly paid subscriptions of $5, I will donate $5 to the nonprofit, The Ocean Cleanup. Thank you for supporting both me and the amazing work of saving our oceans and rivers.
While I am happily married for 30+ years, I also think it's strange that society seems to only imagine living as a couple or living alone. What about living with a friend (or two)?
“I’ve known many folks who were in unhappy relationships. Some people choose to remain in bad relationships so they didn’t have to be alone.”
So true friend. My history shows that I’ve never had that compulsion though I understand it’s very real. 😂