Chapter 2- do I have a boundary line?
Where is my Line in the Sand?
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
Brene Brown
Chapter Two
“Where is My Line in the Sand?”
In the beginning of a love relationship, it is common to overlook the need to set boundaries. The infatuated love haze we walk around in during the first couple of months of a new partnership prompt us to say things like “he knows me so well,” “she’s so sweet,” “he never gets angry,” or “she/he/they would never put me down.” In the moment, those statements may well be true. We love the way we feel when falling in love.
Relationships progress through three essential stages, and the duration of each stage is relative to the amount of time spent together. The more time you spend together, the faster new partners move through each stage. These three essential stages are as follows:
Stage One: One to Three Months. We typically fall in love with what we see reflected to us by our new partner, and we love how this makes us feel. The new partner appreciates the qualities you most like about yourself and they reflect those qualities back to you. You also reflect to them their favorite qualities in themselves. You both fall in love with the idea that your new partner “gets it.”
Stage Two: Two to Six Months. We begin to see small cracks in the façade of our new partner, and they begin to see ours. Over time, our less than perfect selves begin to show as we become more comfortable with each other. Our thoughts lean into a generosity of spirit regarding our new partner, tending to think that this or that small crack only happened once, it’s not how they really are, he/she/they had a really bad day at work and they were too stressed to think clearly before speaking, or that was just a brief hiccup and I’m sure it will not happen again.
Stage Three: Five to Twelve Months. During this stage we begin to see patterns emerging. Repeated behaviors, thoughtlessness, and places where a new partner presents differently than during those first months together start to become clear to us. These patterns can be anything from chronic lateness to yelling at other drivers while driving, teasing that gets out of hand, small annoying habits such as belching loudly after a meal, or frequently forgetting an important date.
At this third stage, your love haze goggles have come off and you clearly see the less than perfect parts of your partner. You are at a choice point. You start asking yourself if those less than perfect aspects are things you can live with. You wonder if your new partner would be willing or able to change that part of themselves for the sake of your relationship.
The Staying Together process asks each of you to be clear about what behaviors you find acceptable, and also those that are unacceptable.
You must verbally express yourselves. An impasse is reached if you remain silent, or you assume that your partner will simply change because they love you. Neither of these choices are beneficial to creating a healthy partnership.
You are probably now asking yourself is this relationship doomed? Must I put up with this behavior because it has gone on so long? The answers are: Not necessarily and No. But it is time to set boundaries, if you haven’t already done so. The term “boundary” is used to describe how we allow others to treat us. Some boundaries are black and white, for example “you may not hit me” or “I don’t accept anyone lying to me.” Other boundaries are grey, such as “I really don’t enjoy being teased” or “it upsets me when you are late.” Part of establishing your boundaries is knowing what your response will be when someone violates them. When your black and white boundaries are violated, it might signal the end of a relationship. Breaking your grey boundaries will require a conversation and the request that your partner change or modify that behavior if they want to stay in the relationship.
ACTION STEP
On a blank sheet of paper write down three or four of your boundaries, and the response you choose for each if they are violated. Each partner should write their boundaries and how they would choose to respond on their own sheet of paper.
If you are unsure of what to write in this moment, consider what actions of another person have hurt your feelings, or that you strongly disagree with, or if there have been situations where you felt disrespected or unsafe. These are actions and feelings that define your boundaries. Not everything will become a boundary. In this step, pick the top three or four.
Save this paper for a future conversation you will have with your partner.
I would like to pause here to interject a very important point. No abuse is okay. If you are being physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, or sexually abused please go to a safe place away from your abuser and call for help. Therapists, ministers, dear friends, shelters, family, and police are some of the places you might turn to for help. Use your best judgment about who you can turn to and take action to keep yourself and any children or pets safe. It can be extremely challenging to exit an abusive relationship. You do not have to take this on alone. The Staying Together process does not condone abuse in any form, nor will the process outlined in this book help to repair the damage done if you are in an abusive relationship. Abusive relationships require in-depth counseling over a long period of time, and the relationship may need to end.
If you are reading this book seeking answers and to find out what your choices are regarding your relationship, know that it is never too late to begin this process.
A dear friend of mine once described a term she uses called “courageous conversations.”1 Having courageous conversations sets the stage for untangling the situation you have arrived at together. The goal of this type of conversation is to verbally express yourself in ways that are outside of the norm in hopes of creating a deeper, more loving relationship.
Many complex histories in both of your lives have brought you to this place and time. You can effect change. You will move step by step. And it is important to know that some complex challenges will continue to repeat. We will discuss repeating tangled conversation in a later chapter.
I would like to share a metaphor with you about how we untangle ourselves. Have you ever found several necklaces in your jewelry box knotted into a mess, or taken out the holiday lights only to find them twisted together in a blob? I feel safe in generalizing that we have all experienced situations like this at one time or another.
To untangle the mess, we must set aside our rush, be curious, and use a tool or two to locate and then gently untie the knots. If we yank angrily or rush to resolve the tangle, the knots become more firmly locked into place, and then we become tempted to throw the whole mess away. While it may be true that your relationship is currently a tangled mess, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is time to throw it all away. I recommend that you begin slowly. Begin this process by going step by slow step, not expecting instant success, yet knowing with patience you can succeed.
You can begin to untangle yourselves by setting boundaries / ground rules regarding how you treat each other, thus avoiding the worst of the tangled mess from ever happening. You decide what your boundaries are, not your partner. Preparation for your courageous conversation requires you to bring insight and caring to both yourself and your partner.
There are a couple of preparation steps to take prior to having your first courageous conversation.
ACTION STEP
In preparation for your courageous conversation be mindful of the need to present your boundaries and wishes as inclusively and respectfully as possible. For example, instead of saying “you can’t ever be late again!” You can present your boundary using gentler words such as, “It truly upsets me when you are late, and I would feel more respected if you would do your best to be on time. Knowing how important it is to me and showing me that with your actions would feel very loving.
Write down how you might share the boundary you are asking for in a style that is respectful. It might take you a couple of attempts to find the words that do not point fingers about any perceived flaws. One way to think about this is to write out your thoughts, then pause and ask yourself “would this upset me if someone said it this way to me?”
If both of you have unknowingly (or knowingly) crossed each other’s boundaries for a while, your partner may be caught off guard when you first express your boundary. Tempers could flare. Your partner might react with “Whoa! You never complained about that before!”
If this happens, please choose not to reply with matching anger and resistance. Both of you are setting new boundaries and this is a learning process.
Know that it is perfectly okay for you to own that you had never spoken up before, but you have now become aware of how much it upsets you when this boundary is crossed.
There may be obstacles to face as you begin your courageous conversation, or it is of course possible that you and your partner are already on the same page and open to this process. But if you both have been in a downward spiral for some time, you may encounter some push back. If you or your partner are not ready for the setting boundaries step, take a break and use the time to reflect on why you and/or your partner are resisting this step. Resistance might show up as “I don’t want to have this talk because you’ll yell at me.” Or, “you’re only going to tell me that I’m a loser.” If your partner presents resistance to even having a conversation, it is important to first set agreeable solutions you will use to interrupt old patterns. Solutions could be something like “I agree to not yell at you, no matter how mad I get” or “I won’t call you names.” The discussion about boundaries can occur only after both of you have spoken clearly about your fears or concerns.
One way of dissolving old patterns is to agree on a general set of ground rules. I strongly recommend that you both agree to avoid speaking in generalizations. Avoid sentences that begin with “You always…” or “You never…”. I also recommend that you both agree to pause your conversation if you fall into the hole of familiar toxic patterns. No shaming, no blaming, no demeaning, no swearing at the other, no insulting, and absolutely no contempt. Toxic patterns can sound something like one or more of the following:
• You’re an uneducated jerk…
• This is all your fault…
• You’re too dumb to get it…
• Oh yeah? You want to fight?
• You’re a [fill in the blank with whatever nasty name you might use…
• No one else would put up with you…
Come to agreement that both of you will work hard to follow the guidelines you have set and that you intend to follow the established ground rules. This agreement improves your chances of creating a healthy partnership.
ACTION STEP
The next step in preparation for the conversation about boundaries is for each of you to take a few minutes and write down the ground rules that you would like to establish for this type of conversation. Sharing your suggested ground rules with each other is a type of talk that is best done while taking a walk. It often helps if neither of you feel confined within a space, and the physical movement of a gentle walk will help your body remain calmer.
When conversations with your partner are stuck in a familiar toxic pattern of shame, blame, or rudeness, I guarantee that no one will win the argument, nor will you change anyone’s mind. All that is accomplished when violating the ground rules of being kind and respectful is that you will either hurt the person you are speaking with, or you will incite them to match your anger. Toxic patterns are conversation enders, and quite honestly, boring.
Anger will be discussed more in the next chapter. For now, let your focus be on creating new and healthier patterns for your conversations.
When you become angry while having a disagreement with your partner, what you usually are wanting is for them to stop doing something, or you want them to change their point of view to agree with you, thus making you “right.” Devolving into the toxic patterns we discussed earlier in this chapter will never resolve the situation.
To reach a resolution, you must be calm enough to communicate clearly. Yelling at your partner or icing them out by becoming silent will only close their heart to you and the Staying Together process.
The key to healthier communication is to regain your inner balance. To do this, you must consciously step out of the argument and interrupt old patterns that are getting in the way. Before you can establish new communication styles, you must first stop the patterns. You need to observe yourself and your participation in the conversation. Self-observation gives you the opportunity to make new and different word choices, thoughts, and behavior from those that often devolve into anger.
During a courageous conversation it is extremely healthy to say something along the lines of “I need to take a break for [a specific amount of time such as ten minutes or half an hour] to refocus my thoughts and to be able to express myself more clearly.” Then leave the room, splash some water on your face, take a short walk by yourself, or read a book or magazine. This is a time to distract your mind, relax, and recenter. If you receive a similar request from your partner, please respect their need for a break. Allow the break without any push back. This type of break is not intended to be used to silence your partner. It is taken with the goal of recentering yourself.
Old patterns of becoming angry when one partner requests a conversation break never worked anyway. There is no need to continue this unproductive pattern. If you are the person asking for a specific amount of time to take a break, you must be the one to initiate the conversation again. Keep your word about the amount of time needed and return to the conversation within that time. This shows self-respect. You are honoring both yourself and your partner. It is respectful to both of you to pick up the conversation by acknowledging what you heard your partner say just before you left. Use their words as much as possible. Followed by adding your thoughts from your now balanced point of view.
When preparing for a courageous conversation, it is best to begin with a relatively small and less important issue to discuss. In your first conversation, please only talk about one relatively small issue. This is intentionally a slow process where you are learning how to speak inclusively and respectfully with your partner. This new way of discussing challenges will become more familiar every time you practice it.
Go now and complete the Action Steps listed earlier in this chapter that will prepare you for your courageous conversation, then agree on a time that you will talk together.
ACTION STEP
Have your first courageous conversation before you begin Chapter 3. If possible, you may have more than one such conversation before you move ahead in the process.
It is important that you set the stage for your courageous conversation about boundaries. Choose a time when you both can commit at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted time to talk. Silence your phones.
Locate a neutral place to be where you are not facing off against each other. For example, sit beside each other at the kitchen table or go for a meandering walk on a quiet street.
Establish your intention for this conversation and consider what will incentivize both you and your partner to have this potentially uncomfortable talk. Incentives could be the hope for improved closeness, less arguments, creating a more peaceful home life, being better parents together, decreasing stress, etc.
During the conversation, it is important that you are inclusive, kind, and solution focused. There is no room for blame nor pointing fingers during this important talk. To start the conversation, it is best if you both agree that you are in a safe space. When you are fully prepared to have your conversation might begin something like this: “I would like to talk about how we can improve our lives together by me being clear about my boundaries. I would very much like to talk about the patterns we fall into when challenges arise, and I would like us to work together to make things better for both of us.”
Some topics will require more than one conversation to reach a balanced solution. This is normal and healthy.
We all make choices about how we allow ourselves to be treated. Respect yourself, draw clear boundaries, and be kind in your discussions.
“We can say what we need to say. We can gently but assertively speak our mind. We do not need to be judgmental, tactless, blaming, or cruel when we speak our truths.”
Melody Beatty
“Courageous Conversations” is borrowed from Glenn E. Singleton and Cindy Hays’ works on understanding racial disparities and how to navigate the disparities through conversation. I believe the term also works well to describe the challenging discussions often needed between partners, coworkers, friends, and family members.