Chapter 1- Do the Hokey Pokey

“The full glory of the Hokey Pokey is to put your whole self in.”

Charlie Parker, American singer/songwriter, pianist

Chapter One

“Will You Put Your Whole Self In?”

Are you willing to buy in mentally and emotionally to the process of staying together? This is the first question I ask of clients seeking my assistance to improve the relationship with their partner. Knowing up front if my client is willing to dedicate a period of time to the process, and if they can discontinue their nearly constant scrutiny of the way things are, helps to determine their level of commitment. When confident of their buy-in, I then ask for a three-month commitment, which is what I am asking of you.

Are you willing to dedicate one week to each chapter of Staying Together, which is a three-month commitment?

During the initial assessment if one partner (or both) balk at the amount of time I request them to commit to the process, I ask them to consider how much time they have already invested in their relationship, and can they be certain they have given it their very best effort. When one or both individuals in the relationship are standing with one foot out the door, neither of them will feel safe enough to be vulnerable and try on new ways of being.

I know for certain that significant changes in a relationship can happen as each partner dedicates time to work on themselves. Making the choice to put your whole self into the Staying Together process will result in finding relief from the endless revolving door of emotions and mental angst experienced from those all too familiar tangled conversations.

Before we go any further, I would like you to reflect on the process ahead of us. If we were to succeed at improving your relationship, what would I notice has changed? What would you notice? And what would your partner notice?

Please take out a piece of paper and write down these three questions:

What would I notice?

What would you notice?

What would your partner notice if we succeed?

Please answer the questions as best as you are able to right now. Put today’s date at the top of the paper and tuck it between a couple pages towards the beginning of the book. We’ll come back to it later.

We interact with so many people during any given day or week. Many of us find ourselves being kinder to strangers than we are to our partner. Have you ever thought about how odd this is? Why are we nicer to strangers than we are to the one person we will spend the rest of our lives with…the one person we say matters the most?

Will you choose to be kind during the Staying Together process?

It is common to behave and communicate in a more relaxed way at home than we do publicly. Yet, being more relaxed does not give permission to be mean-spirited, thoughtless, rude, or self-centered. It is important to be aware of the choices we make about how we speak to and treat people in any situation, and to make these choices intentionally.

Who you choose to be as a person is what you show to others in every moment of your life. The way you behave in the private moments when no one is watching is a part of who you truly are. Spend some time reflecting on behavioral and communication choices you have made recently and in the past. Are you consistent in all the areas of your life? Are you being the person you want to be?

Imagine a person whom you admire and respect. It could be anyone, living or dead. Consider how they treat others both in private and in public. Do you respect their way of interacting? How does the way you treat others in your world relate to the way your role model does? As you move through your day, be curious about how your role model might act in any given moment. Did someone cut you off while driving? How do you imagine your role model would react? Would they slow down and let the obnoxious driver get far ahead of them to avoid a potential accident, or would they shake their fist and flip them off? What reaction style is most consistent with who you choose to be? At this point in our process, if you are unsure about how you want to behave toward others, continue to use your chosen role model as a guide, patterning your response to how you imagine them reacting.

Please note that an immediate and frequent reaction of anger to everyday life situations may indicate a deeper issue that will complicate your work of improving communication with your partner. As you progress through this book, it may become necessary to understand and work on healing that aspect of yourself, in addition to the Staying Together partnership work.

ACTION STEP

As you begin to untangle yourself and apply your power of choice, I would like you to make note of where you think your relationship is at this moment in time.

Choose a number on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being stupendous and 1 being I’m ready to call it quits. Add this answer to the paper you wrote on earlier in this chapter and date this rating, along with any comments you’d like to make. Once again, tuck this note between a couple pages near the beginning of the book. We will come back to the note later in the book.

You might be asking yourself what the payoff is for you doing this work on change, the “why should I bother” issue that plagues many tangled partnerships.

Through this work you will gain insight and wisdom about yourself. You will become clearly aware of which choices bring you closer to your partner, and which throw you further apart.

APPLY WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED

Throughout this week, observe yourself each day, taking special note of choices you make that include your partner. Are you choosing styles of behavior and communication that push you further apart or styles that move you closer together?

One way to test this concept is to ask yourself this question: Is what I’m doing getting me what I want? To answer that question, you must first pause and ask yourself what do you want? Are you seeking a response of anger, hurt, irritation? Or are you wanting more kindness, appreciation, and shared joy? Staying Together is based on the premise that you want more shared joy, and better communication.

Every choice you make contributes to the relationship between the two of you. Here are a couple of examples:

Do you allow the trash can to overflow without taking it out to the bin? (no matter whose task it normally is)?

Do you delay coming home from work?

Do you forget to call or text if you’re going to be later than you normally are?

A couple of small changes in your behavior will make a big difference. Choose to pay attention. You are the only person who can make this change within yourself. You cannot be forced.

Empty the trash before it overflows without being asked to or without seeking acknowledgement.

Come directly home after work or invite your partner to join you. You can choose to be more inclusive.

Send a quick text or make a call to let your partner know that you will be late.

Common courtesy goes a long way toward including another person in your life, and it sends an unspoken message that you care about how you are affecting their world.

Our goal this week is to create opportunities that bring you closer together, simply by noticing and changing the small ways in which you interact. When you take into account another person’s feelings and how your action or inaction touches their world you are demonstrating that they matter to you. It is a choice that only you can make. Choose to be aware. Choose to be closer.

You put your whole self in

You put your whole self out

You put your whole self in and you shake it all about.

You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around.

That’s what it’s all about.

By Charles Mack, Taft Baker, and Larry LaPrise 1949

This is your life. Choose to put your whole self in.