Sometimes ya just know. Clear choices while in the fog

Foggy days happen frequently here at the lake during autumn. I love when the fog is full, the same way I love when it snows. All is muffled, blanketing any imperfection and sound. Even the porch lights across the lake are dimmer. I can almost imagine I’m at the old cottage back east, where the fog tumbles south to north with the waves.

Quiet. The ticking of my Ithaca Clock keeps company.

I wonder how others make decisions, the big ones. I can speak for myself, with my big heart, exuberant laugh, and a ferocity that can surprise those who’ve never witnessed me stand up for my beliefs.

When I get quiet, I simply know

.

I’m aware that many collect data, research all the information they can ferret out of the internet, some consult consumer reports or other research companies such as that, still others ask every person they know for their insight, and the tally what they have learned. It’s fairly common for many to have decisional regret as they get closer and closer to whatever the other choice was. While all styles of choosing are good for some people, I’m not any of these types, are you?

I simply know. I place my hand on my heart, and I know.

I’ve taught some people how to do this, and it did not suit them. That’s perfectly fine. Decision making is personal. Here’s one technique I’ve used to arrive at my knowing. I listen to my choices, ask a few questions to ensure I have the facts, potential risks and/or great outcomes to either choice. Then I get quiet. As quiet as possible. I might know immediately after I settle which choice to make, yet if I’m too stirred up to know, I do something to shake out the wiggles, the twitchiness, and whatever nonsense loop my brain is perseverating on.

Have you seen the new gadget called 30 second dance party? Yes? Well it’s something like that. If I can be upright, I do exactly like the 30 second dance party ad shows us. (And I confess to sometimes going the entire 3 minutes of a particularly great song like Do you love me?). Even if I’m having to remain in the prone position, I actually shake my arms like I just walked thru a cobweb. I twist and shake each leg like a ten year old trying to sit through a sermon. And as much as possible I wiggle my butt (yes, the good old shake your booty song comes to mind!) phew.

After that, I’m generally ready to sit and allow my breathing to center me. I then imagine (as clearly as possible) having made one of the choices. I imagine it’s an ordinary day in the future and I’m living on after this choice. I sit in that for a minute or two, allowing my mind to sketch thoughts of what my world will be. I then open my eyes and check how my body feels. Are my muscles tight? Am I nauseated? Shaking? Crying? Or calm, at ease, resting?

Shake off that choice (yes, I might hit the 30 second dance party button again..maybe I need to go buy one of those). I then sit and resettle. I allow my breathing to be my focus. I allow my mind to stop dancing and just breathe. I then allow myself to imagine having made the opposite decision. It’s an ordinary day in the future, I’m looking around, sensing what is, allowing the day dream to fully unfold. Then I open my eyes, and once again check how my body is feeling. Tense? Sweating? Angry? Calm? Happy? Neutral?

If you try this technique, and there is not a clear difference, then it’s quite possible the decision will be okay either way you choose. Usually there is a clear difference between the different minutes of imagining. I encourage you to strongly consider the one which gives you the calm and content feelings.

For me? I just know. And my decision is validated by using the techniques I just described. It’s not a choice based on gathered data (tho I am informed), it’s not wrapped around someone else’s choice for me (tho I sometimes ask for confirmation after I’ve made the decision and acted on it.) Despite what some might consider woo woo or poppycock (as Grandma Hastings would say) I am very much clear about my choice.

I decided not to have the surgery on my cervical spine.

Every time I pushed myself to imagine having it done, it felt so wrong that I would shudder. Removing bones from my cervical spine to reach the strongly suspected source of my current CSF leak would result in instability, and necessitate attaching titanium hardware to my spine, and a full year to recover.

Am I still leaking Cerebral Spinal Fluid? Must I lay flat to avoid my brain banging into my skull inside? do I have an almost constant low pressure headache? Yup. Does the leak sometimes seem to seal itself so that I get the opposite type of headache (a rebound high pressure headache)? yup. The second type of headache means my body is overproducing CSF and too much of it is pushing on my brain, thus squishing it painfully? I’ve had a mix of these headaches over the last 11 days? I respond with whatever is best in the moment.

A serious choice has been made by me, and I might have to reassess in the future but that is for the future. Not for today.

I don’t carry any decisional regrets. In fact, as I respond to the headache swings, I am no longer looking very far into the future. The world is sometimes blanketed by thick rolling fog, until the sun burns it off.