“This too belongs”, even when it’s unsettling

There’s times that life becomes challenging. Feelings and emotions swirl. I sit still, unable to get up again just yet. I think perhaps I’ll sit here until I know what is next.

It’s okay to feel all of this.

Worlds of war, worlds of poverty, excess of want, a void of caring or even noticing, people reach for excuses to be hurtful to relieve their own angst, and a malaise descends like fog in the valley I am walking through. Thoughts come and linger, most are not uplifting. Tara Brach PhD reminds me to say “this too belongs.”

The thing about being a therapist (even when oh so close to complete retirement) is that I’m not supposed to have any bad days. Ever.

Many people come to my counseling office seeking answers to their state of being, “why am I so stressed?” “What is it about this particular barb that made it hurt so deeply?” “Will there ever be a day when someone truly gets me?” “Am I able to do something that really matters?”

What frequently results is that we look at the situation together, and find better questions to ask. To “live the questions now” as Rilke suggests. There are other times where nothing needs to be asked nor done. The “work” is learning to sit in the midst of whatever it is and acknowledge it. I talked a little about this last week as I spoke about staying with discomfort.

This last task is where I am right now. No pity, no ‘oh poor you’s’, no advice, no new skills to try. None of that. Please. Instead, I wonder if you would consider just sitting here with me for a time?

Nothing has drastically changed in my life situation. No huge new stressors. No ruinous days. Just a long drone of reality, beating out its rhythm on my being.

Another spinal surgery is being discussed. This one carries greater risks, it’s in my cervical spine and will necessitate adding hardware to stabilize my spine afterwards since even more bone will be removed to repair the current location of my leak. I am dragging my feet a bit, hoping to avoid this.

A client got very upset with me, and called me rude (all over text), and would not have a conversation about what was actually going on with them, I let this one go. They will find a better fit with someone else. While I am aware of what is happening in their world, I cannot work with someone who aims their anger at me. That’s never okay. Maybe I’m opening myself up to judgement here by sharing this, but please know that I made every attempt to have an actual conversation with this person about it. They refused. I accepted their decision.

While I have had people be upset with me in my life, aim their “stuff” at me, and I can logically follow the entire process, it doesn’t prevent my feelings from being hurt. I’ll be absolutely fine about this in a day or two. It’s just really fresh.

I haven’t been feeling good for a very long time now. My festive holiday spirit up and flew the coop. I’m not able to sleep. And my “why” has been seriously under question since I learned of a potential third spinal surgery.

Immanuel Kant said: "The three grand essentials of happiness are: Something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for".

I have held these essentials near to my heart my entire life. I’m now inching towards retirement and asking myself once again: what is my why? (My something to do), who do I love?(I am fortunate here to have family and friends I care deeply for), and what am I creating to hope for / look forward to? (I do believe that it is my responsibility to create this for myself).

I’m not a worrier, never have been. I trust myself to face whatever situation arrives, and respond to it. I approach this last ‘essential’, as Kant calls them (something to hope for) as my choice. It’s the golden thread I tie around my waist, allowing it to urge me forward, even when it’s dark, foggy, and the world is yelling its doom so loudly that there is no peace at all. Keep moving, keep reaching, jump that hurdle, scale that mountain face.. the journey is exhilarating, arriving at one’s personal mountain top is a thrill. This ‘essential’ has never posed such a challenge to me as it is now.

My go-to question to myself when I arrive here is to ask “What Matters?” people, love, caring, relevance, people, hearts, kindness, ….. and after four years of having to look at the world from my tiny vantage point, mostly flat on my back, in pain, unable to drive right now since my eyesight is blurry, not really sleeping, having brain fog, more surgeries that the MDs hope will fix me, I find myself drinking from a straw that’s sucking up air. You know that noise, when you wish there was just one more slurp of sweet tea in the glass, you rattle the ice around, tip the glass and jiggle the straw to the very bottom only to still end up with that slurp noise and no tea.

One of my biggest supports right now is guided meditation. Many led by Tara Brach, Sharon Salzberg, Sebene Selassie, Jay Michaelson, Jeff Warren… and their words of compassion always help.

I’ve been known to say in the past that women can go through anything as long as they know there is eventually an end to it . The “knowing when it will end” is embraced in fog today. That’s the part that is causing the most unrest in my mind. I sit and ponder my choices, my various paths, and how to create the next steps for each option.

I always begin with the truth. All this is here. This is crummy. And as Tara Brach would say, “this too belongs”. Then, I gently and ever so slowly shine a light on the possibility that this is the way it will be. I can live with this. My hopes need restructuring, new scaffolding must be erected to support all that is, and I will do it.

So sit with me awhile. This too belongs.