Talk With Me - When you’re weary

Things that sustain me when the world, my state, my city, my health, or even just my neighborhood are metaphorically stomping me into the dust:

• Beauty ~real beauty~ the white bark birch trees across the lake, the tips of tulips poking their leaves up in my pots way too early, the five foot tall oil painting of a heron in my living room, my cat Jose curled in a circle on the tuffet, old photos I took of the ocean while in Marco Island 16 years ago…

• One of Dad’s old flannel shirts, which reminds me that there are people in the world who are bigger than me.

• Songs that express the big emotions passing through me

• Sitting under the eave of my small patio during a warm spring rain while sticking my toes out to get wet.

• The words my daughter spoke to me when my last marriage ended ten years ago, shattering my dreams and my hopes, while simultaneously crushing me under the terrible lies my then husband was telling about me: “everything will be alright in the end, and if it’s not alright, it’s not the end.” ~ Portuguese author Fernando Sabino

• Repeating Tara Brach’s mantra “This too belongs”

• Walking along water’s edge at the lake or walking a beach at the ocean.

• A warm mug of coffee with rich heavy cream and a fire in my wood burning fireplace.

• Bringing to mind the faces and words of each person who loves me.

These small things bring great joy to me, and hold my heart when it’s weary.

Perhaps I’ve said this before (bear with me.. I’m “old” ha ha), I’ve realized over many years spent living on my own, that it isn’t the grief or sadness that brings up the lonely emotions. No. I understand how to live through those alone.

It’s the moments of great joy, achievement of a dream I’ve held, or even a small (yet important) success that I’m proud of that can bring on an episode of the “lonelies.” It’s the moments when there isn’t someone with whom I want to share a snoopy dance.

Do you know who this is in your life? There’s an easy way to solve this puzzle. Imagine you’ve just had a wonderful achievement, published a book, got engaged, successfully learned a foreign language.. whatever the celebratory event.. and pause for a moment to ask yourself: who is the first person I’d call or text?

If you have someone who fits into that space, of sharing success, then you are at least 90% of the way to never having a cloud of the lonelies drench you. That person is the one you can reach for if there is a sad time and also when there’s joy to share. Life is best lived with a person who matters.

If your thoughts are blank when you ask yourself who you would call to share joy, then it is time you cultivated that empty garden plot in your heart. Friendships, like gardens, need tending: Water, sun, nutrients, pruning and training (attention with a gentle touch).

How would I go about finding such a person?

Well, if I have a person I would like to be closer to it is up to me to begin the process. There are many ways to begin. I could ask them to meet for coffee, to wander through an antique mall and have lunch afterwards, attend painting and wine class, or go for a hike with me. If you are housebound, as I am, it’s a bit more complicated yet still possible. Shoot them a text saying something nice like- hey it was good to see you last week, would you like to come over to have coffee next week? Or I’m testing a new soup recipe to serve my family at an upcoming birthday party, and I’d love to have you join me for lunch Saturday to taste test and score, I’d enjoy watching the new episode of “___” with you I’ll supply the wine and snacks if you’d come over or in lieu of that we could zoom and watch it from our own couches and share some laughs together. Etc. I’ve got lots of ideas. If you are still drawing a blank, leave a comment below and explain what’s happening in your world, and I’ll do my best to help.

If no one in the current circle comes to mind then it’s time to get creative. Pause a moment and ask yourself what hobbies you enjoy. Photography? Join a nature walk group. Cycling? Check your town’s closest REI or other sports store for local cycling groups (note people are always seeking others to ride with) the same goes for hiking. Join a local master gardeners class, or sign up to pick up trash alongside the local roads. Can’t get out and about? Search within Stacklandia for folks who post about subjects you have an interest in, and comment, follow, or subscribe to their stack. You will find people who reach back out to you, and you’ve begun. You will meet people of common heart and mind.

I moved to a town in 2007 where I knew no one. I was 54, single, kids all grown up. After getting settled, I searched for a singing group (I love to sing!). I auditioned and was asked to join. Although I am a shy introverted human, I promised myself I would speak to at least one person at every rehearsal. I made short, kind statements (told the bass singing behind me they had an awesome voice and introduced myself to the female alto standing next to me, telling her I had just moved to town.) By the end of a year of singing with them, I knew the name of everyone in our 100 person group, and had made my three closest friends. I am still very close to those three women despite living far apart. They are among the dearest friends I have ever had in my life.

Staying in touch and maintaining your garden of friends is a choice. As with a garden there will be years that are more challenging than others. Yet, with these special people, even after months of being too weary, too ill, too sad or simply too busy, you will only need to reach out and you will find their hand.