Talk with me- Gratitude and Acceptance

Are they cure-alls? Nope.

It’s Thanksgiving week in the US, and conversations are all about being thankful, keeping gratitude lists, and focusing on what is right.

For those who live with chronic illness and pain, in poverty, coping with loneliness, who have had a major loss (like losing a job or a death in the family), or those living with major depression, essays on all the positivity feel toxic and can actually make us even more depressed.

It can be the bizarre self inflicted whammy of “now I’m doubly failing because I feel so awful that I can’t even focus on being positive” burden.

Let’s step away from that b.s. right now. Piling on to yourself is not useful, you already feel rotten. So stop. Please. Instead, let’s talk here.

I’ve been a therapist for +32 years, (and yes, I’m accepting that I may be old(er) but not ready for the pasture.) Sometimes just sharing and talking really does help. This isn’t therapy I’m offering, just some conversation about doing something other than trying to push our way thru the toxic positivity of this season.

I’m not coming at you from a perfect little world. No. I’ve been living with chronic pain for the past 4+ years. So what am I doing? And no, it’s not a magic elixir that I’m proposing. (Tho that might be amazing, come to think of it.)

Quite a few people say to me “I don’t know how you do it.”

While I’m not suggesting that one size fits all here, I would like to share a few things I do.

• meditate: (usually guided) I listen, ponder what the presenter is recommending, and breathe slowly. Sometimes it helps. For days when my pain levels are too high, I do something else while meditating. For example, mindless knitting (all stockinette stitch) or coloring or making a jigsaw puzzle (virtually on my tablet or with actual puzzles if I can sit up.) The combination of doing two things at once (both listening and doing something physical) is proven to distract the brain from whatever we were perseverating on. I distract to give myself a break.

• Conversations with myself: no, not the hearing voices type, but speaking with a gentle role model to have an imaginary ‘talk’ with. It could be that I imagine having Brene Brown here, or Mother Theresa, my best therapist from my past, my best friend, Nelson Mandela, Dalai Lama, etc. We all have pretty good imaginations, and can guess what any of these people might say. And? If you’ve reached the worst of your despondency, and you’re not able to imagine, go search on You Tube (or even google) talks given by any of these people about facing adversity. An example is When Life Breaks You (audio from Brene Brown). After listening to her, imagine a quiet conversation with Brene. What might she say to you?

• Be gentle with yourself. Admit this is rotten. Admit it’s not fair. Being alive doesn’t promise fair, yet you can be kind about this pain. Acknowledging reality goes something like this: “yes, my world feels like _____(this)_____ right now. It’s been this way for awhile. And, while no one can accurately say how long this will continue, I am here for you.”

• Be here for yourself. Ask yourself specifically what you need in this moment. A cuppa tea? A soft blanket? A pile of pillows? A sad movie? A hug? Sleep? Then find a way to give yourself one small thing. You can give yourself a hug by wrapping a blanket or even a sweater around your shoulders and back, then cross your arms in front of yourself, grab both side of the blanket, and tug it snuggly. It feels good.

• Don’t look very far ahead. It’s okay to pause the disasterizing about the future. Stay in this few minutes. Say something respectful and acknowledge what’s happening. I’ve often used the phrase “It’s like this right now” (learned from meditations led by Joseph Goldstein in the Happier App.)

And after the biggest part of the intensity has passed, it might be time to wonder how you could make use of the insight / experience/ pain that you’ve gained from this. note that timing is everything regarding this step. If it hasn’t given you any insight, it’s perfectly okay to say “well that was a load of crap” (my eloquent 20/20 hindsight is genuinely my own) yet there is most often a way to make use of what we have lived through.

A couple personal insights from my past are: my physical trauma has allowed me to have compassion when listening to others, my current medical condition has connected me to an online forum of 9400 people around the world whom I never would have met otherwise and a few of them have become close friends, my current chronic pain has clarified my awareness of what truly matters to me.

What matters to me is:

• people

• my connection to ones I choose to care about

• the choice that there is always enough time to pause and listen

• how little time we actually have in life and the fact that I do not want to spend it in anger nor despair

• there are very small things happening around me that can give a lift every day

  

  The seasonal ducks (widgeons) have returned today

  A cup of Earl Grey tea with heavy cream and a bite of expensive dark chocolate can bring forth a sigh of pleasure almost every time, hearing my cat purr is always soothing, and even when my head is hurting so badly I want to cry but don’t because it will only make things worse, I find that a text or email with a friend helps.

What matters to you ? Are you finding ways to experience it?