Staying Together Intro

The beginning, the messy middle, the positive outcome

I invite you to find a comfy place to sit, with your favorite cuppa so we can take a closer look at why conversations between you and your partner get into a tangle.

This book is intended to be a guide for how to lessen misunderstandings that often occur from those tangled conversations. You will find information and alternative choices for the way you are currently relating to your partner. I offer new perspectives on what is behind the words being spoken and not spoken.

Does the book hold all the solutions on creating clear conversations? Probably not, but what will surprise you is that even incorporating a small change can create better outcomes. This book is designed to have each chapter build upon the previous ones. As you progress through each chapter you will learn new and different ways of communicating.

In over 30 years of successfully counseling couples and individuals, I have observed that lasting change occurs when a client allows each concept to sink in, practices it, and keeps at it until it feels natural. In sessions with couples, I often hear one person say to the other “Oh. That’s what you meant. I get it now.” I encourage you to work with the ideas in each chapter for at least a week before moving on to the next chapter. Or alternatively, read through the entire book, then go back and select specific techniques that you want to try. Either way is perfectly fine.

What about my partner, you ask? Some will readily join in and learn these methods with you. Others will push back and say something like, “that’s a bunch of nonsense,” “it’s fake,” “it’s not me,” or “I have no intention of participating or changing.”

Don’t give up if partner resistance is the case for you. I have found that even having one person in the partnership working on their communication style can create positive change in the relationship. As you focus on enhancing your communication style, your partner will begin to feel more understood, validated, and less defensive.

Know that you are doing this work for yourself, and for your relationship. As you progress through the chapters in this book, you will gain skills that allow you to convey thoughts clearly, while speaking in a loving manner.

There is the possibility that at the end of working on these skills, your partner will remain unable or unwilling to grow with you. But you have not wasted your time. Through this guide you will have learned to apply better communication styles. You will feel more authentic. You will feel more present. You will know with certainty that you have given the best of yourself toward decreasing those tangled conversations and making your relationship work.

If you initially work through this book by yourself, I recommend that you proactively let your partner know. You might say something like “I started reading a book on improving my communication style, and you might hear some changes in the way I’m interacting with you. My hope is that you will notice that I’m being more mindful and intentional in my communication.”

As you practice the techniques described in this book keep in mind that you are making a choice to improve the love you have for each other by untangling conversations that get between you and your love.

I’m glad you’re here. Now, let’s get started.

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