Chapter 9 - Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough
Too Difficult To Stay, Too Good To Leave
“We spend enormous energy trying to control what cannot be controlled. Is it possible to trust what remains when you let go of any attempt to control?” – Gangaji
“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” – Steve Maraboli
It may seem contrary to have a chapter about letting go within a book about staying together, yet it is not. A large part of living with acceptance and kindness towards yourself and others is the requirement to accept what is, while also accepting what is not.
How do you know if a relationship is worth saving or if it’s time to leave? How do you determine if you are making the right decision either way? The exercises in this chapter are designed to help you find your answers to those questions.
This is a difficult place where many people arrive within their relationship. Knowing if you should stay or leave can become an internal battle that causes great angst. To move through the angst and return to a more peaceful place, there are times when questions about staying in the relationship need to be asked. Asking serious questions of yourself is not the same as making the final decision. It is only with kind, honest truthfulness that you can make healthy decisions.
What brings us to our last nerve, as the saying goes, is unique to everyone in the relationship. If you choose to leave the relationship without addressing the things discussed in this chapter, there is a high probability that you will eventually have regrets about your choice and find yourself wondering if you could have made it work. By allowing time to give your best effort and to be respectful to both yourself and your partner you will be able to make choices about the relationship without recriminations or second-guessing your decision.
As you work through this chapter reflect on the following questions and dig deep to uncover how you honestly feel at your core level:
• Are you deeply unhappy?
• Are you looking at other people and wishing you were with them?
• Are you thinking about having an affair despite a strong moral or personal stance against infidelity?
• Are you living with someone who just does not care, is never around, or that you suspect is cheating on you?
The hard truth is that you will repeatedly choose slight variations of the same personality type until you resolve the attraction you have to those characteristics which are unfulfilling, unhealthy, and destructive. You will probably choose healthier versions of the same person with each iteration, but unless addressed, the main problem will remain. It might be that you continually choose people who are emotionally distant, have addictions (note that a substance addiction and a workaholic lifestyle are both addictions), people who truly dislike your gender, treat you badly, or people who are takers leaving you drained on all levels.
Before going further in this stay vs. leave discussion, I must pause to state clearly that if you are being abused, leave. Get to a safe place. Get help.
At the end of this chapter I will list resources that can provide assistance if this is your situation. No abuse is acceptable, and no one deserves to be abused. It is not possible to resolve questions about staying together when you are being abused. The power imbalance in an abusive relationship makes any resolution impossible. While some couples can address abusive behavior through counseling and anger management programs, each person must be safe while this reeducation happens. Whether or not you get back together with a previously abusive partner is something to be discussed at length and over time with counselors or mediators. It is important to understand that abusive behavior is not quickly resolved.
Outside of abuse, there are many reasons partners consider separating such as: infidelity, changes in life direction, changes in belief systems, work relocation, empty nests, unfulfilled lives, unhappiness, unwillingness to make changes, and boredom.
In previous chapters of Staying Together you have faced and worked through many issues that are pulling your relationship apart. In spite of your attention to the issues, it is possible that your life or your relationship remains in turmoil. The bottom line is that each of you are responsible for the choices and the outcomes of your choices. The ultimate decision to stay within the relationship or to put measures in place to dissolve the relationship and move on must first be made on an individual basis.
The exercises which follow will help you gain clarity about your decision to stay or to separate.
During this self-evaluation process, you will reach a much clearer conclusion if you remain respectful and honoring of both yourself and your partner. This evaluation process is to be done without anger. Anger draws your attention to a situation. Anger by itself is not a useful emotion. Anger will fan indecision, not allowing your thoughts to be clear.
Some things which may help your process are:
• Remove any timetable you have placed upon yourself or your partner. Most timetables are arbitrary at this point. If there is an actual timetable that is applied from an outside source, consider discussing an interim step before your final decision.
• Some couples find it helpful to move into their own bedroom in the house if that is possible, or to rent an apartment nearby if emotions between the two of you run too high to allow you to remain calm.
• While it could be helpful to share this process with your partner, know that you will be making a decision that is yours to make independently.
Whatever preparations you put in place before you begin, I ask that you maintain respect for yourself. Despite the deep hurt between you and your partner, you are the one that you must live with after your choice is made. No one else. Be sure that you respect and are kind to yourself. Self-care is an essential part of the evaluation process
Action Steps
As you work through the Action Steps below note that it is important to invest the time it takes to physically write the suggested lists out. It is not useful to only consider them in your thoughts; at this point you have already been doing that. The process of writing things down takes your considerations from ideas to possibilities. To make clear decisions, you need to get out of your circular thoughts.
1. Begin with a list of true statements about your partner, written on two separate pages. The first page is a list of positive true statements about your partner. The second page is a list of the less-than-positive truths about them.
On the positive statements page, you might write things such as:
She is a dedicated employee at her jobHe is good to his friends and shows up when they need him.
He cooks dinner every night.
She is a good mother to our children.
• On the less-than-positive page you might write things such as:
He works every day of the week.
She enjoys being with her friends more than with me.
She chooses not to help clean the house nor do laundry.
He saves everything, every receipt, every pencil stub, every rubber band, it’s overwhelming.
There is no need to be inflammatory in this step, simply write true statements as brief and clear as possible. Then set these two lists aside.
2. Write a list of things you wish you had in your life with your partner. In this exercise it is important that you are realistic and write actual things you could have instead of wishing for things that are not realistic or are impossible (like wishing they were a millionaire). Your list might include things like travel, joint hobbies, taking dancing lessons, having biweekly board game nights, family dinners once each week, etc.
• Carefully examine the list of wishes you just wrote. Honestly ask yourself if you have tried to add any of these things to your relationship with your partner. If you have attempted to add them, with both of you participating, write down what happened. Record what worked and what failed.
• Review the list of wishes again and ask yourself if you have attempted to add these things to your life through family, friendships, or group participation? If you answer yes, write down what happened.
3. Take some time to honestly contemplate what your life will be like if you stay. Write a list of what you will have to accept if you stay. You might write statements such as:
• If I stay, I accept that she will never toss her dirty socks in the hamper; she will continue to leave them on the bedroom floor.
• If I stay, I accept that he will never help wash dishes after dinner.
• If I stay, I accept that he will not go to concerts with me, nor socialize with me and others.
• If I stay, I accept that her job is important to her and she will often work six or seven days a week.
After writing out this list, take a few days to sit with what you have written, and reflect on what you will be able to truly accept while releasing any associated resentment, anger, or frustration toward your partner about these things. It is valuable to be honest with yourself in this step, to know your capabilities and limitations regarding what you are able to accomplish willingly.
4. Write a list of exactly the type of life you will have if you leave. Consider each item carefully such as the cost of housing, monthly overhead, cost of moving, etc.). The list may include things such as:
• I can afford an apartment that costs less than $1000 per month.
• I will need to live further away from my work to find a place for $1000 per month.
• I will need to purchase a new car.
• I will need to leave my church or social group.
• I will not be able to maintain a relationship with my partner’s family.
As you envision life after you leave the relationship, be sure to note how you will spend your time, both after work and during the weekends:
• I will be eating dinner alone every night unless I meet up with friends.
• I will take care of my dog by myself, taking them on walks, feeding, and trips to the vet alone.
• I will need to call my landlord myself to fix repairs to my apartment.
• I will change my own car tire or call a friend (not my ex) if I get a flat.
• I will need to arrange my free time, vacation, and holidays according to our child custody agreement.
5. Begin a list of true statements about what your relationship life after separating might be, noting that you cannot assume you will find another partner, nor live the same type of life you had together, it could be better or worse. You might write things down such as:
• I have no guarantee of ever being with another partner.
• I could possibly find an awesome new partner after separating.
• I will need to be proactively involved with family and friends so that I’m not always alone.
• Our kids will spend some holidays away from me to be with my ex-partner.
Pause and reflect calmly on whether the reality of life after leaving is what you choose. Be truthful about the real life you are considering, whether you have established a friendship and/or family network, if you have hobbies that will engage your time in healthy ways, whether or not the income from your job is sufficient to live on your own or will you need a parttime job or a housemate to cover living expenses.
These lists are challenging and emotionally charged to write. No one really wants to consider, then plan the ending of a relationship. It is not why you began life with your partner. You began this life chapter intending to stay together, to grow old together. That is why this exercise is so difficult.
This is a time in your life to look again at your expectations, your actions and their actions, your dreams and goals. Take this time to courageously ask yourself if you have done everything possible to improve your partnership. Ask yourself if you will have any regrets about your choices or your behavior as you look back at the time you have been together. Ask yourself if you think that giving the relationship a bit more time might help. If the answer is yes and more time together might help, set a specific date in the future when you will revisit your choice to stay, and discuss this with your partner. Review previous chapters of Staying Together to practice better communication tools. If you decide to slow down any urgency to leave the relationship at this time, remember that this time must be spent reflecting on yourself and your own behavior as well as the behavior of your partner.
You have reached a place in this evaluation process where you must now reflect on your current and previous relationships. To begin this step, spend some time considering the following questions:
• What have you been longing for this partner (or previous partners) to do, but they never will?
• Do you want a partner who will support you emotionally, financially, or physically?
• Do you want your partner to respect you and to understand that love is a verb, an action item that must be chosen again and again every day? How do you know that your partner respects you?
• What does it mean to you to have an equal partner?
• Do you want your partner to spend all, some, or just a little time with you on a daily basis?
As you reflect on your answers do you notice similarities or common themes in your responses?
After you identify and begin to understand the common thread that runs through your relationship history, the next step is to ask yourself how you satisfy or achieve the things you long for as an individual and within your relationships.
How do you:
• support yourself financially and emotionally?
• respect yourself?
• act in loving ways towards yourself?
• enjoy spending time with yourself?
As you reflect on the answers you have written to previous questions, it is important to remember that you are a creature of your history and the environment you were surrounded with while growing up. If you were raised in a family where boisterous, enthusiastic conversations were normal ways of being, you might find yourself upset with a partner who continually tells you to quiet down or who considers you rude for interrupting while in deep conversation. If you were raised in a household where the adults regularly yelled, were angry and mean to you, you could unconsciously confuse people who treat you poorly with being loved. In examples like this, you can zoom out to observe what you feel love is, what a good interaction is, and whether or not you will still allow yourself to be treated in old ways simply because they feel familiar. You may find that you need to redefine what being in a “loving relationship” means. Please note that love does not mean abuse is okay. Love is not cruelty, no matter what environment you were raised in.
When you take a step back from the immediacy of your daily life, and consider how you truly want to feel, to be, and how to interact with your partner, you will be better able to separate yourself from your unconscious conditioning and choose new types of interaction between yourself and others. You may, for example, accept that your partner chooses to remain angry, belittling, and controlling, which was the life you lived when you were small. Yet now you want a life where love is expressed with kindness, respect, curiosity, and patience. As you make conscious choices for yourself, you will find that you will no longer blindly keep choosing the same type of person.
To initiate changes in what you choose to allow in your life, you must acknowledge what is missing and what you have previously allowed without any anger towards yourself. Growing and learning is a process of healing that you can be proud of. There is no need to be judgmental or angry with those who established your growing up patterns. You are able to choose something new and different for your life going forward. You do not need to be held captive to the relationship patterns of your past life, but you do need to choose what you expect and will accept in future relationships.
Have you been living in compliance with someone else’s expectations? It is not wrong to make this choice if you are consciously giving your consent. Although eventually you may find yourself in resentment and irritation if you must always “give in” to the will of the other to continue in the relationship. Compromise is not the same as sacrifice. Let’s repeat that truth: Compromise is not the same as sacrifice.
When you have fully written out and examined the questions presented in the Action Items you will be armed with the insight needed to see and clearly understand your path forward. The process will provide you with the will to accept the changes you are making within yourself as well as the path your partner is making for themself. You may take as long as you wish considering your answers to the action steps.
Each of you will arrive at the true answer of whether you should stay or go as you process this chapter. You may need to go through the Action Steps more than once to attain clarity, but I recognize that if you are respectful and honest with yourself, you will reach a clear decision for yourself.
If you decide to stay you will need to live this choice and not behave as if you have one foot out the door every other day. The pathway to a strong partnership, once you have determined that your partner is good enough, is for each of you “close the exit doors.” When you make the solid choice to remain in the relationship a sense of safety should come over each of you. Trust is built between you so that whatever happens, you will face it together. Issues become “us against the problem” not me against you. When unacceptable behaviors occur, which will happen, you need to state the fact that the behavior is unacceptable, and the person is still loved. A clear phrase like “That isn’t the way we speak to (or treat) each other.” Even while upset or angry, you will choose not to withdraw your love. Making this choice is not easy nor simplistic. It requires the acceptance and participation of both people.
If you decide to end the partnership, it is possible to move through the process of the ending with grace towards yourself and your partner. If you’ve reached this choice, angry words are not needed or helpful. Clear statements must be made, such as “I have made the decision that I want to end our relationship, and our conversations now need to be about the most respectful way to do that.” Solving and negotiating things such as moving dates, separation of property and other assets, legal paperwork, custody of the children or pets, etc. need not be contentious. If you have moved through the steps in this chapter with honesty, you will be comforted by the insight that you have given your relationship your best and it is now time for a change.
When things start to fall apart in your life, you feel as if your whole world is crumbling. But actually, it’s your fixed identity that’s crumbling. And that’s cause for celebration. ~ Pema Chodron
Resources for those leaving abusive situations:
Help Hotlines:
• National Domestic Violence Hotline. 1-800-799-7233
• National Center for Victims of Crime. 855-484-2846
• Strong Hearts Native Helpline. 844-762-8483
• Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673
• Victim Hotline 855-484-2846
Justice Department guide to resources within every state: https://www.justice.gov/ovw/resources-for-survivors
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: https://ncadv.org
Getting Out Guide: https://www.violencelink.ca/getting-out-guide
Office of Women’s Health article on leaving an abusive relationship: https://womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship
14 Financial Organizations That Provide Financial Assistance to Domestic Violence Victims: https://www.goodrx.com/well-being/relationships/financial-assistance-domestic-violence-victims?srsltid=AfmBOorhsnFRwMsLG9KvWDUCywUi-9YbNkhzTCltuZtqsjvGeCGmkd8_