Pack Your Suitcase Full Of Patience,

It’s A Journey For Your Life

Growing older. Aging. Maturing. Ripening. Becoming a Woman of a ‘Certain Age’. Are we always in process? Never arriving? Sometimes I wonder whether goal setting keeps us so future focused that we forget to truly be. In this annual celebration of goal setting, I’m choosing something different: I’m not setting goals.

Realizing I’m a “senior” just awoke in my consciousness recently.

Is the end of the year’s typical dedication to reflecting? Is it my health challenges? Has daily time for meditation for 2+ years cleared some fog and allowed for insight? (Hopefully it’s this last choice)

I turned 71 last February. It’s been a fascinating journey so far. Via experiences I moved through great joy and also aching sadness. I’ve stretched like the best salt water taffy in an old machine.

Memories come unbidden. Without even checking the calendar, I wake (on certain death dates) with eyes full of tears, not consciously knowing why until I look at a calendar and remember it’s the date my Mom crossed. Still other memories pop into my mind that make me laugh aloud right then and there (perhaps seeming crazy to passersby).

Recently, it seems life has been imitating art as mine has behaved like “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride”. I’m stuck in the passenger’s seat hanging on for dear life, while toad’s gleeful shouts echo “Poop, Poop! Oh, poetry of motion! Ohh, the bliss! Ohhhh... poop, poop!" (If you’ve not yet read Wind in the Willows, I encourage you to consider it.)

“In the novel Toad becomes obsessed with motor cars after one runs him and his friends off the road in his caravan. Toad is a passionate driver and crashes at least eight motor cars before his friends step in and encourage him to change his ways.”

Mr. Toad, of Toad Hall, 1908 novel The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame.

Wind in the Willows has a thread that moves throughout its chapters, that being: strong friendship can overcome any obstacle.

Strong friendships have been the lifeblood of my existence. They have sustained, challenged and encouraged me and I hope I can continue to offer the same back to each of them.

Whatever I thought I knew about living has been rewritten recently. All that I have imagined for myself has changed. These are not necessarily bad changes, tho some have been surprising.

As I consider some of my early choices, it’s amazing that I ended up where I am. It’s almost as if I was orchestrating my finale from the start, tho I never could have had the insight in the moment to know this. Experiences have added color and depth to my current being that I would not have known existed without living through them.

I wonder what it is about getting older that stirs the urge to reflect. These quotes both amuse and sustain me.

• "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." - Mark Twain

• “Getting old ain’t for sissies” - Bette Davis

• "As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen

• "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many." - Mark Twain

• "Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard, there's nothing you can do." - Golda Meir

• "Old age is not a defeat, but a victory, not a punishment, but a privilege." - Joan Erikson

• "Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional." - Walt Disney

• "Old age is when you know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions." - Laurence Peter

• "With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone." - Oscar Wilde

• "You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." - C.S. Lewis

Some folks become verbose as they age. I’ve noticed I talk less now than I used to. I am seeing more of what I don’t know. It’s humbling. (and I believe an improvement.)

Other’s perceptions of me have been off for most of my life. Those who know me now seem surprised when I tell them I was a wallflower when in high school. Like an alien among humans I slid easily into geekdom, becoming a true nerd. I was in the Latin Club where we sat around and spoke Latin! Hah! I threw away all the yearbooks a month ago. The evidence is gone. No more high school nor college images showing what a geek I was. Finally.

No one is still around from those years. This could be tragic for some, yet is not for me. Longevity in relationships is far from the most important quality in and of itself. We change. Some people deepen and evolve, others shrink into their deepest fears. I bow to those who shrink, while I wish them well, I also let them go. The length of time I have known them is less than important to me. I have people in my life now who are the deepest treasures I could have imagined.

How have I grown? And have I deepened? I know there has been change and steadfastness. “Steady as she goes!” The skipper would shout during the downwind leg of our sailboat racing days. I follow the steady as she goes way of being now, with adjustments and trimming of the sails when the wind changes.

I’ve never been one of those people who has a quick comeback after a jab. No scathing retorts have ever flown out of my mouth. Clever words just don’t happen. Sarcasm escapes my understanding it is always mean. Give me a dry wit, Dad jokes, and a delightful pun and I’ll laugh louder than anyone. My humor and what tickles my funny bone has stayed the same.

Many motivations have shifted as I age. Years of pressure to ace my undergrad exams melted into being the best Mom I could be. For a number of years while being a single Mom, I pushed to survive and thrive, working as many jobs as necessary to provide for myself and the kids. I’m past that now. I’m not sure exactly when my deeper calm arrived, yet there was one day I woke up and realized that while I’d most likely never be rich, I could trust myself to respond if the bottom fell out of my world. (And that happened more than once.)

There were five years where 90% of my focus was helping care for my parents. During those years I was in Florida with them more than I was home. I still shudder when I think of all the situations we faced then. Scary, sad, sickening, exhausting and filled with love. When I was home (near Seattle) I called them daily. It continually felt like I should have been there, no matter where I actually was. My brothers and I took turns. It always felt like I needed to do more. Lots of forecasting what might need to be done. When I was with them in Florida there were many hours of simply being there, remaining vigilant to their needs. Shopping, medicines, long conversations, cooking, doctor appointments, long stretches of quiet, hospitals, hospitals, hospitals, which turned into nursing homes (the bowels of hell which I pray I’m never forced to endure) and finally hospice. From 2009-2014 were frequent flyer miles, working crazy long hours in my counseling practice when home, then back to the land of humidity and bugs, where the word gay meant “happy”. (Ah Florida.. bless your little heart... I’m so glad I don’t live there any more)

I didn’t “feel” old then. I recall joking with my siblings in Florida about all the seniors and their crazy driving. It was as if the rules were written by them, and their rules all began with “I’m old now, and I can do whatever I want”. When in southern FL remember that when the light turns green, wait. Count the next three cars which will all run the red light (doing what they want) and only then is it safe to take your turn. Be prepared to experience hour long shopping trips even when you only need a few items. They drive like a bat outta hell so they can stroll slowly thru the grocery store, tasting all the samples. Funny, yet accurate.

Years of being married or in long relationships remain cloudy in my memories, in spite of my desire for the best interactions. I was doing “all the things” and being so busy living everyday that I forgot to truly live. Both of us did this. Busyness right up to the exhausted collapse on saturdays seemed to repeat every week. I’m not sure if my memory is clouded over with sad times because that is how it was or was I simply too busy to ever be present? Probably some of both. The sad overpowers the good, so I barely dwell within those memories.

Now. Doing my very best to live right here, in this moment, meditating daily for about 2 1/2 years, has allowed me to grow my choices around what my thoughts dwell on. As someone once taught in a psychology class, “looking too far in the future causes anxiety and fear, while looking in the past causes sorrow and regret.” This is a sweeping statement which clearly does not include any joyous incredible memories nor does it reflect upon the times I have set amazing goals and achieved them. Yet, it is often accurate if the mind is just allowed to wander off leash for too long.

The future of my medical issues isn’t a one way street. It’s more of a road with multiple round-a-bouts where it depends on where you turn or stop as to what life is like in that moment. Mostly I consider how I am doing today, do I need to drink more water, do I need a nap, would it be nice to talk with a friend on the phone? And then I do that.

Setting no goals for 2025 doesn’t mean I’m doing the aforementioned wandering off leash 100% of my time. (Tho that could be fun in the right location with the right person..). I do have things I want to do: finish and publish my book “Staying Together”. Perhaps I’ll begin on a second book which is currently a glowing ember inspired by a friend. I want to go on another whale watching trip and feel good enough to be upright for those hours. I want to see more of the people I love in person. I want to putter in my garden and watch the birds here. I want more days I can be upright long enough to get a bit dressed up (including makeup!). I was able to be upright Christmas Day to eat dinner with my family. Here’s proof:

I know that I will enjoy all That is on my impromptu list. There are no deadlines, no goals that must be accomplished or I’ll fail. No fails if one of them doesn’t happen. They’re things to look forward to with zero attachment, they are things I’d appreciate and they inspire joy every time they cross my mind. They sustain instead of depressing my heart.

I’m more focused on “being” this year instead of measuring achievements. At 71, there are no more A’s nor C’s. I cannot even flunk being alive. (Yay). No resolutions I must live up to. Nothing to start nor quit.

Instead, I choose a concept to focus on. A word, all its subtleties, the color, the atmosphere surrounding it, how it lives in my life, the flavor and texture, and how it enhances my ability to be with others. My word/concept is Acceptance.

My choice of acceptance is not from a weak nor morose place, tho many translate it as defeat. It has more focus on seeing the truth of reality, knowing what I have to work with, perceiving my choices, and choosing how to feel about it. There is power and courage in true acceptance. There can be a macabre humor born of some realities, or uproarious snorts of laughter at others, it can spark grand questions and insightful wisdom.

I’ve packed the boatload of patience I was born with (fortunately) in my suitcase, and I’m ready to set off on the “elder” phase of my journey.