It’s Quiet on the lake, Meet me here.

The young eagles are chirping as the crows dive at them overhead. The wind barely moves the surface of the small lake. Even in the perfection of this moment, emotion fills my throat.

I have been sipping morning coffee, with heavy cream (thank you oh so much) while reading poetry and essays from writers I admire. We are all connected as we breathe each other in and out.

A poet who’s beloved brother crossed too soon, a lovely elder woman who is much like me expresses the depth of depression that comes and goes, a young man lives with a relentless condition that is slowly dissolving his body, another dear writer has lost his beloved furry family member.. it may seem to some overwhelming to read their words, to comprehend. Yet it is not. Many might choose to avoid these people, their writing, their hearts, I do not. Emotion is what makes us real. It is how we connect. I choose to connect with the real.

I have always cared so deeply for the reality of living. I slowly back up and leave the conversation when it becomes shallow with vapid gossip or anemic competition. Give me the cracks and the ashes from your soul. I walk beside you and help carry when I am able or hold your hand if I cannot.

Living single over the last ten years is a reality of my choosing. Not that I chose to be alone, rather I have chosen not to succumb to abuse nor insipid relationships with men who only take. I was raised to know I could do anything that anyone else was capable of, no matter their gender. And I have lived this truth. If any person ever has spoken the words that their life would be better without me, I quietly turn and leave. My leave taking is never in defeat, nor anger, nor blame. It has always been an honoring of the other’s choice. I know life can be better.

I have chosen not to spend time comparing my life and myself to anyone else’s. It’s rather nonproductive to even begin such thoughts. Time is too precious to be that mean to ourselves. Comparisons are always mean.

Do the sad questions arise sometimes in my thoughts? Yes, of course they do. I’m very human. Living alone, with my awesome tom cat, Jose, I have peace and a smattering of challenge at times. Questions come unbidden. The practical ones mix with the esoteric.

Did I do something wrong that I am on my own? Is there someone who would like to ponder greatness with me? What is love if it has no place to land? Will I have a hug with someone I love this week? How can I disassemble that dresser to move it on my own? Who will water my flowers if I cannot today? Or brush dear Jose while I cannot sit upright? Are there chocolates in Heaven?

Ahh, then there are those questions that sneakily arise from what was “expected”. I allow twenty minutes to wallow in those whirlpools. I then melt them into the nothing where thoughts like those belong. Dear little me, it’s alright. This has never been a test to see who succeeds in creating the world where hearts are tenderly held. You are not a failed experiment whose life has held no meaning.

I return to ask better questions. Do I show love to those who Matter? (Yes capital M is intentional here). Do I take care of what has been entrusted to me? Have I remained clear in my compassion despite my own pain? (Or perhaps because of it). Can I still laugh with macabre humor when yet another challenge strikes my world?

Yes must be the answer. And if not? There is new focus to apply. Meditation has helped quiet the scattered attentions, and helped me to ask better questions. For me it has been the questions that tint my world either gray or deep purple. The work of Byron Katie offers powerful tools.

“AN INVITATION TO INQUIRY- Welcome to The Work

I discovered that when I believed my thoughts I suffered, but when I didn’t believe them I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment. That joy is in everyone, always. And I invite you not to believe me. I invite you to test it for yourself.” – Byron Katie

I have been living with a condition for more than four years, a spinal CSF leak. It was caused by a newbie medical resident of anesthesia. Is there someone to blame? No. Accidents happen. And if I walked my life with those feelings of blame, they would eat me from inside. I choose not to carry that.

It is a debilitating condition, still rare per the doctors. The fluid which cushions the spinal column and brain is leaking out of holes that were punctured in my dura which wraps the spinal column (“the tough mother” is what dura means). I live with intense pain in my spine and the back of my head mostly feels like someone has smashed it with a baseball bat. My vision is blurry, I have floaters and flashes, my ears hold painful pressure, I get dizzy and lose my balance as I walk, my focus is easily distracted and I lose common words for no reason. I get nauseous, have “ice pick” headaches, often feel like I’m choking, there is stabbing pain behind my heart, and all that can be done is to lay down. CSF replenishes itself three or four times per day (medical agreement on this number is still confusing). There are variations in symptoms of course. The most predominant is the constant headache which is worse when I’m upright.

I have a list of medical appointments in a folder. Everyone I have seen, every test that has been done… single spaced lines fill the yellow legal pad paper. It is now over six pages long now for 4+ years. I thought I might be able to close that folder after March’s surgery, yet I’m still adding to it now. I’ve had so many tests, been poked, given pills, had 3 epidural blood patches (all failed to hold) had three fibrin patches (some have held), had two spinal surgeries by a gifted neurosurgeon, have flown repeatedly to three different cities because there are so few doctors who are skilled to diagnose and treat this condition. Next week, I fly out for a fourth fibrin patch. (Imagine a bicycle tire patch but on the inside of me, all done with needles. Very carefully, so as not to collapse the spine).

I am not seeking pity. Please never offer that. It is not useful. I’ve had many “travel angels” who have been with me on these trips. Compassionate friends and family listen well as I speak. Generous neighbors help enormously with the many things I cannot do alone any more. I am blessed by these kind people.

I’ve learned how to be self sufficient even with this. Ten minute intervals are my friends. My world gets better, then the challenges have returned after each intervention. The leaks are difficult to find, and even more difficult to permanently repair.

I focus to come back to this “now” when the depression and anxiety monsters creep nearby in the shadows. It isn’t always easy. Sometimes they make noisy entrances when I’m alone. What do I do? You might wonder (or perhaps not). I allow tears and ragged breathing when it needs to be felt. Then I come back to this moment, allowing all to move through me. When a feeling arises, either emotionally or physically, I greet it. As the teacher Tara Brach has said: “ this too belongs”.

I come back to why I am sharing. No tears or hand wringing. Nothing needs to happen. So how do I live with this? I stop asking questions that have no answers.

“Why” is one of those questions that aside from gravity, does not usually have an answer. Instead, I focus my thoughts on “What now?” What can I do in this moment? What needs taken care of? feed the cat? Take some medicine? Begin the dinner prep? Read the Substack posts? Call a friend I haven’t seen in awhile? Do I need a long nap? Schedule someone to get my medicines? Talk me down from my fears? Thank you so much to dear ones who help me with these. “What now” gives me answers I can act upon.

Then I sink into this moment, and then this one. breathe deeply and remember that all will be well. I promise you. All Will Be Well.

There is no standard to live up to, nothing that is being ‘missed’. Am I loved, of course I am. Is my life enough? Yes. Yes it is.

“Rules for Happiness: something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for.”

By Immanuel Kant

I have these three things in my life. I am blessed. And? As I have written before, I am open to allowing more in my life. (More cowbell) .

Today, I honor all of you who also are walking solo.

The only thing we are promised is change. Emotion follows thought. Always. Change your thoughts, you change your emotions. I know each will feel better when they stop asking “why”. Is any of this easy? Of course not. Easy was never promised

The breeze is coming up - a gentle whisper across my skin. The eagles have flown on, only the wind chimes sing. I return to my patio, to lay down and take a snooze. It’s a perfect day for resting