Faith against the Odds. It’s free

Flying out at Zero Dark Thirty is something I’m pretty practiced at. Today is for a quick recheck I’ve packed all I might need, a few house chores and mental prep. In less than 24 hours I fly out

The medical condition I’ve been living with for almost 4 1/2 years (a Spinal CSF leak) has changed my world in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I have all the normal symptoms plus blurry vision, ice pick headaches, and fainting. Before this, I lived for 20 years with no medical insurance, and never even noticed its lack. Health had always been a given for me, yet those who have known me more recently would not imagine that. I’ve existed as an inert mass of skin and bones, remaining horizontal so I don’t faint from the pain.

There isn’t anyone locally to give the depth of medical care I need. I’ve searched. I’ve either flown into San Fran to go to Stanford or into LAX to go to Cedars Sinai. Getting there is the most challenging and pain filled part of this process. Being there requires juggling that I think I’m ready for.

It’s been a 7 year cycle which I am hoping to conclude with the trip I’m making tomorrow. I fly out for the truly amazing imaging called DSM’s (digital subtraction myelograms) spread out over a couple days then some sort of surgical procedure to be decided depending on what is seen on the tests.

The online forum of 9300 people internationally will all attest to the reality of this condition. It’s one of those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things that can happen to pretty much anyone, yet it continues to be rare.

No use complaining. Nothing comes of pessimism. I choose faith.

It isn’t faith in miracles (tho those do occur in our world), it isn’t faith due to great odds (which actually don’t exist with this condition), it isn’t that I have been treated by one of the best neurosurgeons in the world (which I am), it is surely not magical thinking. I’m fully aware of the strong possibility I will just live this way. But I still choose faith because it helps me feel as best as I am able to for now. It’s a way of being kind to myself.

I searched all the definitions of faith, and this might be the one I’m most in harmony with: a belief that does not require proof or evidence.

My faith is in the benevolence of the natural world, in whatever it is that is larger than us, and my ability to choose my response in all situations.

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude”

~Maya Angelou

I wonder what some folks gain by choosing to be pessimistic, downplaying the possibility of success, imagining the worst possible outcomes. None of these ways of thinking ever suited me. I’ve told my clients that all those thoughts do is to deprive you of calm today. They in no way effect nor determine an outcome either way. Contrary to a person who defends this thinking with a phrase like ‘well, if I think about the worst outcomes, then anything else will be great’. Nope. Not true. Imagining the worst causes the mind and the body to brace itself against the outcome. Thoughts become fearful, adrenaline surges, panic and anxiety accelerate. So what do I do?

I choose faith. And maybe it sounds sappy. I like sappy.

I trust my own ability to be there when the outcome arrives, and to handle it with all the grace and aplomb I can muster. I still get scared, my goofy body will still shake uncontrollably, my hand tremors sometimes spill my coffee all over me, tears appear unbidden from the intense pain of being upright for 5-6 hours during this trip.

I appreciate all the good vibes, fabulous ju-ju, energy healing, good wishes, prayers and whatever ya got sent my way. I’m traveling alone this trip. It might be one of my guardian angels or guides singing this music in my ear, but I keep hearing “Hold on I’m Comin”

Hold on I’m Comin