Chapter 7 - Victim, Tyrant, and Rescuer. Time For the Drama To Cease

Did your grandma ever watch daytime soap operas like General Hospital or The Young and the Restless? They are serial mid-day tv shows that always included a bad guy, a victim who had been wronged, and a good guy who saved the day. These three characters formed the drama of interacting within their world that kept audiences tuning in every day to find out what happened next.“Be careful with your words, for once said, they can only be forgiven not forgotten.” ~ Carl Sandburg

In 1968, San Francisco psychiatrist Dr. Stephen Karpman proposed his theory of social interaction called the Karpman Drama Triangle. This social model is still being used today. It describes the destructive way in which people interact when in crisis by playing out three specific roles: Victim, Tyrant, Rescuer.

Throughout my career, I have worked with many people who do not recognize themselves as one of the soap opera’s cast of characters: bad guy, victim, good guy. The Rescuer is usually the easiest character to recognize. Rescuers say things like “I love to help people, it’s just natural for me.” The Rescuer usually feels guilty if they do not help and will often become angry if their attempts at helping fail.

From the outside looking in it is easy to recognize the Victim in any story line. They think that something is happening to them, that they are stuck in a situation they don’t deserve. The Victim’s lament is often “It’s not fair!” However, their situation is usually the perception of being hurt rather than being victimized. The Victim convinces those around them who will listen that they have tried everything, and now they feel helpless, picked upon, and unable to make decisions. Their point of view is one of “Poor me.”

It is true there are times in life that aren’t fair, but we can do something about the situation we are in. The choices may not be easy, but there are choices.

Recognizing the role of the Tyrant can be a bit more challenging in everyday situations. The Tyrant is the person who blames others by using words like “it’s all your fault.” They are experts at saying and doing things that humiliate, trap, or belittle others, and they demand their way is right. The Tyrant is most often the person who is initially causing the mental or emotional hurt in the Drama Triangle.

The Rescuer is the “feel good” position in the drama. The Rescuer role is often assumed and played out by kind-hearted people. A Rescuer will try to save others by offering to give money to someone whose partner spent the rent gambling at the casino or who will offer to pick up the kids when their friend’s old clunker of a car dies again. The Rescuer is quick to tell you what your next best action should be in any stressful situation and are sure they have the solution for your every problem.

When people communicate in the style of the Drama Triangle it may be challenging to admit, but the truth is: If you embody one of these roles, you are embodying all three of these roles. Stay with me here. While there is a tendency to push back on this at first, I think that you will be able to recognize these dramas playing out in your own life.

I can almost see some of you shaking your head and saying “I’m not mean. I don’t yell at or hurt people. I’m never a tyrant!” I understand that you may not do these things outwardly, but I’m pretty sure that if you have a Victim, Tyrant, Rescuer drama running in your life, then at a bare minimum, you yell at yourself for your bad or regrettable behavior.

Being a Tyrant to yourself will continue the Drama Triangle and will create the other two roles in your life. When you are mean to yourself, you are victimizing yourself. And, when there is a Victim in the relationship, a Rescuer always arrives.

As we take on a role in one corner of the Drama Triangle, we easily shift to the other roles. I will give you a couple of imaginary examples of drama communication.

The Drama Triangle style of communication is learned from childhood. It is a pattern of people failing to communicate. The Victim, Tyrant, and Rescuer roles are a pattern of continued drama where all involved are upset and words are hurtful.

An example of Drama Triangle style is: The Tyrant is angry and yells at their partner “You’re a slob. You never do the dishes in the sink, and this place smells.” The Victim cries “I cook every single meal, and sometimes I’m just tired. It’s not my fault.” Then the Victim leaves the room crying.

The Victim calls their best friend and retells the episode. The friend wants to help (becomes the Rescuer) and they respond angrily towards the Tyrant telling their friend what to do “You know, they shouldn’t act that way. You should order takeout sometimes and they should give you a break from doing dishes. Or put your foot down and demand they do the dishes sometimes too. It’s not fair you have to do all the work!” The Drama Triangle style of communication has begun.

In the imagined angry conversation above each of the people continues to change roles. The Victim usually takes the Rescuer’s suggestion and issues an ultimatum to their partner, “You’re being selfish. You must do the dishes for a whole week, or I’m never cooking again!” Victim has taken on the Tyrant role. The Tyrant becomes the Victim “What?! I work all day and then I commute! I am too exhausted to cook or clean. It’s not fair.” The Tyrant either slides into Victim role (poor me) or they will escalate their Tyrant role and demand to know who gave Victim these ideas.

The rescuing friend may continue giving advice to their friend (which increases the anger between the partners) but often, their friend is now angry at them and is tyrannical toward their friend as well, yelling things like “your advice didn’t work. He’s refusing to do anything.” Rescuer has now become the Victim, “Well I tried, and it’s not my fault they didn’t listen!” The original Tyrant, turned Victim when their victim yelled back at them, now joins in to be angry at the original Rescuer. The original Rescuer is now the Victim to both of the other two people in this drama.

The drama continues to become more and more confusing without any solution to the original problem. The original Rescuer who is now Victim to the others, apologizes to their friend, the friend is now attempting to make peace with their partner, and is rescuing the original Tyrant. The original Tyrant has come full circle and become Tyrant to the friend now, thus alienating their partner from the friend, and causing more drama.

Returning to the original imaginary argument, the original Victim is still hurt and angry, yet they try to keep the peace by doing more cleaning. Eventually, the people in this relationship will slip back into their normal unconscious patterns. The Tyrant will again become angry at their partner, and the argument starts all over. Within this pattern it is not unusual for things to escalate with each repetition, resulting in increased emotion, to throwing objects, or violence. Nothing gets resolved. There is no lasting change.

Do you remember the schoolyard game called “Keep Away” or “Monkey in the Middle?” It’s a game where three people are playing. Two people are on the outside, passing a ball back and forth, attempting to keep the ball away from the person in the middle. The goal of the person in the middle is to catch the ball. When the middle person catches the ball, they switch places with the one they intercepted it from, and they become one of the outside two, who are trying to keep the ball away from the third. The game rolls on and on! How does the game of Keep Away ever end?

To read the rest of this chapter, please either upgrade to being a paid subscriber or you may wait and buy my book when it’s published!