Chapter 6 Where Are We Now?

“Kindness is not an afterthought to our work. It is the driving power to everything we do. It is the lens we view every challenge through. To me, every problem you can think of can be solved with kindness.”

~ Lady Gaga 

We are halfway through the Staying Together process. Your choice to continue “putting your whole self in” is, hopefully, resulting in positive changes.

Each chapter that you have worked through has asked you to focus on a unique aspect of being in partnership. You may have already been do it well or it may have been something more challenging for you.

Let’s review what we have covered so far. Each day of Week Six is dedicated to reminding yourself of a chapter’s focus.

Chapter 1: Will You Put Your Whole Self In?

Are you still fully investing yourself in this process? Are you still practicing being present every day? Once a new technique is committed to memory, it exists in the part of the brain that carries our “every day” habits without us needing to use conscious effort. It becomes the new way of being and allows us to discard old styles of behavior.

Habits, such as how we brush our teeth, comb our hair, make coffee, or drive to work use less of the active brain space than a new experience. We do them without paying complete attention to every small detail. That’s just how the brain functions. I’m not saying that you will become unconscious about caring for your partner. No, that isn’t the goal. Rather, I am promising that the changes you are making during your investment in the Staying Together process will become easier and easier the more you choose to do them. It will become natural.

The focus of Chapter 1 is to remind you that “choosing” to change makes each change more relevant. Simply making this choice and putting your energy into this process signals to everyone around you that you care about your relationship deeply. Being invested in something and choosing to make it matter, is something only you can do. No one can force this choice upon you. Your partner will know that you have made this choice, and it will further encourage them to invest deeply as well.

Please return to the Action Steps in Chapter 1 and practice them again on Day 1 of this week.

Chapter 2: Where Is My Line In The Sand?

Are you still clear about your boundaries? Have you become even more clear about them as you’ve moved through the first five chapters of Staying Together? This is a good time to review your boundaries. You may certainly reword, adjust, add, or subtract the boundaries you established and have been working with over the past few weeks.

Boundaries are not meant to be invisible electrical wires that shock your partner as they bump into them. They are established as a means of protecting what is important to you and what you need to maintain a healthy relationship. Our boundaries, our expectations about how others treat us, and what we will do to maintain those boundaries, are a sign of self-respect and self-love

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A personal boundary that I maintain is that I choose not to tolerate someone lying to me. If someone in my life chooses to lie, I will choose to let them go from my circle of friends. And most definitely, I do not accept this in a partner. Maintaining this boundary is a sign of respecting myself and what is important in my relationships.

Please return to the Action Steps in Chapter 2 and practice them again on Day 2 of this week.

Chapter 3: What’s Lurking Under Your Anger?

What is your experience of your anger now? Have you noticed that you are less explosive when you’re angry? Has your anger brought out new, healthier responses from you? Have any of the old “anger events” diminished after you completed Chapter 3? For example, do you have less road rage (if that was a place anger showed up for you)? The focus is that after completing the chapter on anger, you are more aware of yourself and what is behind that feeling.

Please note that if you were unable to easily work through Chapter 5 that focused on random acts of kindness due to your anger, it would be very important for you to review this emotion now.

Anger is an emotion of destruction, and it has no place in being aimed at your partner. If your partner has done something that aroused an anger emotion in you, it is pointless to aim your anger towards them. Instead, what is productive is to dig beneath your own anger and locate the feeling state and thoughts beneath your anger. Consider what is happening “behind the scenes” so to speak, and when you are clear about it, discuss those feelings with your partner. When you can clearly share what drives your anger, your partner can better comprehend what matters to you. Your partner can then choose to change their response in a situation rather than needing to memorize what not to do or say around you. Your partner will better understand if you are not yelling at them, and you will have a better chance of them changing their reaction to you.

Words spoken in anger are confusing and create a “nobody wins” situation.

For example, if you yell angrily at someone “don’t kick that red ball in the yard!” the other person will either avoid trying to make you angry by not kicking the ball or will defy you and kick it anyway.

The reason this type of communication doesn’t work is 1) you are yelling at them and 2) they are not understanding why this is making you angry and what your reasoning is for this “rule.” Your anger has accomplished nothing.

First, you must look beneath your anger, and ask what is pushing this anger? It might be that you are concerned about the person breaking a window since there isn’t enough distance in your yard to allow for ball kicking. If you were to say to them “hey, playing kickball in our yard is a problem because everyone’s windows are too close. Would you play kickball in the playground across the street instead? It’s safer there.” You have shared something clear and logical. You have offered a solution. You have no need to express anger.

Ahhh, BUT, you might say, what do I do if I’ve already told them many times before? Can I get angry then? Well, in a word, no. It isn’t useful because you still won’t get you what you really want: to protect the nearby windows. All you would have accomplished is to either have them cowering from your anger or they will still kick the ball there when you aren’t watching. Anger is still not your primary emotion. It is the surface expression of something that you are thinking or feeling on a deeper level.

Until you know yourself well enough to express what lies beneath your anger, you will continue to walk around being angry.

Let’s continue with the ball example and address what it could possibly mean, or what you think it might mean if someone repeatedly kicks the ball in the yard. Dig down below the anger iceberg and take a deep look. What are you thinking / believing? Are you thinking that they don’t care about how you feel because they keep kicking that ball? Are you thinking that they’re doing it intentionally to make you angry?

In as neutral a voice as possible ask them the “why.” Here’s the how to ask tool. Use the technique of first telling the person what you are observing, then ask if they are doing that on purpose. For example: “You keep kicking the ball in our yard after I have explained to you that I’m concerned that a window will get broken. Are you doing this because you don’t care how I feel?” Chances are they will respond with something along the lines of. “Well, no, that’s not why. I just thought if I kicked it more gently, I wouldn’t break any windows.”

Ahhh. The truth comes out when we are clear and calm enough to ask the “why” of someone’s behavior.

If their response to your question is, “Yes, I was trying to make you angry” then I recommend you look them directly in the eye and calmly say “You succeeded.” Then walk away. When you respond like this to someone making you angry on purpose, it sends a clear message that their choices are on them. They may then reflect on what this means about them as a person. Understanding how your choices affect other people is important.

Please review the Action Steps in Chapter 3 and practice them on Day 3 this week.

Chapter 4: Not Me, But We

How are you doing when thinking about the problems that you and your partner have? Have any problems come up that have caused you to remain stuck in your “it’s mine (or yours) not ours” viewpoint? Is there a situation where you are still at odds over an issue?

It’s possible that a new problem has reared its ugly head that you disagree on. It can still be challenging to find a “we” when your thoughts are radically opposed to your partner’s thoughts. All this can still be happening despite your intentions otherwise.

When you are on opposite sides of a decision from where your partner is, do you simply continue to be angry with each other and stubborn in your refusal to find a solution? What happens when you get stuck here? Couples often have a history of various behaviors: sweet talk your partner into your point of view, brow beat your partner, or somehow coerce your partner into agreeing just to end the argument? The Staying Together process may take a little bit longer than stubbornly remaining opposed, but it is worth your effort to reach agreement, and to turn this tangled mess into something that you solve together.

Many couples have faced a time when they are at an impasse during what seems like a straightforward decision. For example, one person in the couple thinks it is time to replace their car, and the other person in the couple thinks they should keep the car they have until every last mile on the odometer can be wrung from its dying gasp. This would be a perfect time to make use of the “Not Me, But We” technique.

It is time to listen to each other on a deeper level. What is the motivation for wanting a new car? Maybe the one wanting the new car needs to be clearer about how they express their thoughts. Perhaps they just want a “newer” car not a brand new one.

Remember the chart you made on a blank sheet of paper when you first went through this process? During this exercise you and your partner took turns writing down exactly what the other person said, then you read it out loud to them to verify accuracy? If the couple in the example above approached the new car decision in a “Not Me, But We” manner their discussion chart may look something like this:

Back and forth it goes, until each of you has voiced your concerns. At this point, it will help if you take a short break and do something different together. Go for a walk, cut up the veggies for dinner, play a game of cards. Just something to stop thinking and talking about the “car buying issue” for a bit of time. This will allow each of you time to consider what the other person’s concerns are in a way that does not involve more “debating.”

After a break of at least thirty minutes, go back to the paper where you wrote out each other’s individual concerns and look at it from the viewpoint of: This is a challenge that our partnership faces, so how do we take into consideration both of our concerns?

Now that you’ve reviewed how our car buying couple has approached this discussion take a break, without further discussion except to thank the other for their additional ideas the couple could have suggested.

While you take time to really ponder your partner’s ideas, give them equal importance in your mind to your own concerns. While you move through this part of the process, remind yourself that both of you are correct in your feelings and thoughts. There is no “right or wrong.” Partnership means that you work through concerns together. The process continues by writing down, revisiting, and ultimately suggesting more ideas until both people feel heard and understood.

If at all possible (if your problem is not “urgent”), give yourselves time while using the steps provided. Very few people change their mind quickly. Respecting each other through the process allows this to be the natural way you communicate.

Please review the Action Steps in Chapter 4 and practice them on Day 4 of this week.

Chapter 5: Random Kindness Is Contagious. There Is No Doubt About Love!

How full is your kindness cup? Have you taken the time to fill your partner’s cup today? The great news is that not all of the previous chapter’s issues arise every single day. There are usually breaks between major dilemmas and things such as needing to reissue your boundary rules. Being kind is something that can easily become an everyday habit if you choose to do it. As you learn to treat your partner with this kindness, you will notice how very fun it is to evoke a smile, to surprise someone with a tiny thoughtfulness, to share a laugh with a relative stranger like the grocery store clerk you see every week. Your new habit of being kind and aware of how others process the world around them will blossom to places outside your partnership if you allow it to.

What I’m suggesting is that it is easier to be kind to others than to stay focused only within yourself. Thinking of other people is a proven way of getting out of your own head.

Kindness to others allows us to take a break from our own thoughts. Science has proven that what we focus on grows. It costs absolutely nothing to be curious about what happens when you take on the lessons in this chapter.

Please return to the Action Steps in Chapter 5 and practice them on Day 5 of this week.

Now we have arrived at the end of this review chapter.

Have we solved all the problems in your relationship? Of course not. But, through the exercises and working with the Staying Together process you have begun to chip away at the old unconscious habits that slowly erode your foundations.

You are rebuilding. Rebuilding takes time and investment in the process until it becomes your new normal.

I’m glad you’re still here.