“You can’t get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you. What you do makes a difference and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.” ~ Jane Goodall
Do you notice if you are often critical?
Do your words improve someone else’s day, or point out something they could do to improve?
When you speak do you bring out a smile?
I’ve spoken to many people who are married that tell me “I don’t need to be thanked for the things I do.” And typically, it never occurs to them to thank anyone for a kindness or task performed, despite having a partner who aches for a kind word or a simple “thank you.” There is nothing ‘wrong’ in the choice they make for themselves, yet understanding that someone else feels loved by hearing the words thank you is an important aspect of healthy relating.
There are many ways to communicate with your partner. It is important that you are aware of the communication method(s) they respond to in order to adequately convey that you care. In general, people are either auditory, visual, kinesthetic, or some combination of the three in the way they communicate, interact with the world, and how they learn. How can you tell the difference between an auditory, visual, or kinesthetic personality? Begin by paying attention to your own preferences. For example:
• Do you love to read? Is it important to you that your clothing is color coordinated? Does a particular color need to be just so to be pleasing to your eyes? Would you rather read an email than talk on the phone? Do you get weary from too many people talking? If so, you are most likely a visual communicator. You connect with your world through seeing, through visuals. Reading a note that says “I love you” is meaningful and stays with you much longer than a quick “love ya” at the end of a phone call.
• Do you love talking with people, both on the phone and in person? When you think of someone, is your instinct to pick up the phone and call them? Do you love having music or the TV on all the time? Do you retain information best by listening to a lecture versus reading about the subject matter in a book? If so, you are more predominately an auditory communicator. You connect to your world out loud via the spoken word, and you love to talk about things. Having your partner tell you verbally the things they value and love about you makes you feel great. Hearing them say, “thank you, I appreciate you” makes you swell with joy.
• Do you adore soft clothes? Is food your love language? Do you love holding hands, or cuddling with your partner? Is a back rub or a massage a thing of bliss? Answering yes to these questions indicates that you are predominately kinesthetic. You connect with your world through physical touch. Having someone prepare a meal and eat with you makes you feel loved. Being physically touched while someone is saying “I love you” stays with you for a long time.
This week, the focus of the Staying Together process is about rebalancing the ways you communicate with your partner to convey your caring, by adjusting the delivery method being used (audio, visual, or kinesthetic) to best convey your feelings to them. This chapter provides the tools needed to ensure that you are using the most effective communication methods for their preferred way of receiving information. This process may test your thinking that you do or do not need to change, or your confidence that you already know the best way to communicate with them. If you are using the incorrect method of sharing your love for your partner, they will most likely not recognize your efforts, be put off, or just ignore you.
What I am asking you to do may be challenging for those who have been deeply hurt and cut to the quick by their partner’s edgy quips or challenging looks. If you’ve shut down to avoid being hurt, disregarded, or burned by your partner’s comments, this may not be easy. It is important for your healing to give yourself and your partner another delivery approach and more opportunities to express yourselves in ways that the other best receives. I’m asking you to take a chance and try on a new behavior for one full week. I promise that something will shift in the relationship with your partner. You may well be surprised, and find yourself thinking “hmmmm, I never knew (s)he felt that much love towards me.”
Let’s begin. Would each of you get a piece of paper and separately answer the following questions. On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being very disappointed and 10 being feeling super:
• How are you feeling about yourself in general this week?
• How do you think your partner feels about you this week?
Each of you should sign and date this piece of paper, then tuck it in the back of your Staying Together book. Be honest in your response, no cheating, and no peeking at your partner’s numbers. All will be revealed at the end of the week.
There is a term used in clinical psychology called a “Negativity Bias”. If people have this, it’s generally formed by the time they are ten. Having a negativity bias means that you always brace for the worst and are surprised when you receive something wonderful. You have learned that you don’t always get what you hope for. You’ve learned that people get mad at you and can say mean things. You have also learned how to be disappointed in yourself. You know bullies exist in the world, and maybe you’ve been hurt by one or you’ve been one.
“We are inclined to fixate on what’s wrong and what’s missing.” ~ Tara Branch, Ph.D.
Viewing the world through a negativity bias means that when you are considering whether or not to do something, you must evaluate Every…Single…Thing… that could possibly go wrong before you are able to make a decision. You expect that your partner will be upset with you, so you don’t share your thoughts with them. You think the world is a cruel hard place, so you’ll never be as happy as you ‘used to be’.
As Jane Goodall said in the quote at the beginning of this chapter, each of us is affecting the world every single day, whether you are conscious of it or not. Within our homes, we are usually the least conscious of our negativity bias impact. We let down our guard, we relax, we don’t pretend or filter our comments. And worst of all, we behave as if we don’t care. The façade of not caring is one of your worst enemies when you are trying to improve the relationship with your partner.
Action Step
Every day this week, I want you to choose one positive thing (at the minimum) to share with your partner about how you feel towards them. I will provide a few ideas a bit later in this chapter. Due to accumulated hurts, and unconscious choices, you probably stopped doing this long ago. It is time to shake up your average day.
Try one communication method (audio, visual, or kinesthetic) to share a positive emotion you’re feeling towards your partner. If it doesn’t land well with them, acknowledge that you may have chosen a method that they do not connect with, or they are just having a grumpy day. Either way, don’t throw in the towel. Try a different method, knowing that your partner probably has a different style than yours.
“But it is so uncomfortable!” you might say to me. Yes, it is at first. The point here is that your unconscious methods of communication have not worked or have been received negatively by your partner. It’s time to shake off thinking that they just weren’t listening and try something new. Just for this week, suspend the hurt, put away angry thoughts, and invest your whole self to this process. The only way you will know that you have given this process your “all” is to try these suggestions.
Here are some ideas and please feel free to create your own! This is not the time to be extravagant, nor gushy, nor phony. Small gestures of kindness are the key. And, as in the Random Acts of Kindness style, if you can be relaxed, genuine, and in the moment with your communication, things will flow easily. Keep it simple. Be sincere.
For partners who are visual:
• Wash their car and shine the windows.
• Clean off the kitchen counter and wipe it down.
• Get yourself a stack of sticky notes, write something nice about them and stick it on the bathroom mirror, or on the steering wheel of their car. A simple message such as: “I’m glad you’re in my world” or “I’m really grateful for all you do.”
• Buy a greeting card and write a note about how much you care, or how glad you are that they are in your life. Be genuine.
• Send a text message such as: “You look really pretty today.” or “I love looking into your eyes.”
For the auditory partner:
• Say something kind like “I love hearing you sing along to the radio” (when they are cooking and singing for example).
• While they are busy doing something else, call and leave a short voice mail on their phone that says, “just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you, and I love you” or “I’m the luckiest person alive because you choose to be with me.”
• Give them a small compliment as you are passing by like: “thank you for being there for me” or “I really appreciate that you show up for everyone you love.”
For the kinesthetic partner:
• Touch them on the arm or on the knee (non-sexually) and tell them something nice about themselves like: “You are a really thoughtful person.”
• Put fresh sheets on the bed on a day you don’t normally do laundry.
• Buy them the softest tee shirt you can find.
• Gently touch their back as you pass by them and say something like: “hey, is there something I can do to help?”
• Cook them a dinner they enjoy, set the table, sit down and eat together (turn off your phones and the TV), and enjoy the food.
• Give them a hug for no reason at all.
These are just a few examples of small, simple nice things to try. You will quickly learn what action(s) generate a positive response from your partner. The point is that we mistakenly communicate our love to others using the method we enjoy the most, and not the method that is best for them. It may be uncomfortable and feel awkward as you begin this exercise, yet it will feel easier when you are also the receiver of kindness and love in the way that feels best for you.
The second thing I am asking of you this week is to completely suspend your critique of your partner’s attempt to change their method of communication and connection with you. Zero criticisms. Nada! Zilch! No Matter What…bite thy tongue! There will be plenty of opportunity to discuss things that are not going the way you wish during other weeks of this process. But not this week. This week is all about valuing the other, remembering what it is that you first liked most about them, and discovering ways in which to communicate with each other that is positively received.
If you feel moved to share more than one appreciative word or kind action each day, that is wonderful. But avoid going ‘over the top’ and gushing on and on. That approach will be received with much caution and as phony.
Only say things that you sincerely mean.
If you are too hurt or angry and hesitate to participate in this week’s Action Steps, then you may need to reread Chapter 3: What’s Lurking Under Your Anger. Is it at all possible for you to set aside your strong feelings about hurt, or loneliness it would be best to work this chapter together and return at the end of the entire course to process any lingering feelings. Right now, just do your best to be aware of the methods used for communicating with your partner. That is all anyone can ever ask of you. And keep in mind that your “best” will be different on different days.
You may be bringing many years of hurt feelings and resentments to this process. I understand. Not every mountain can be climbed all at once. Sometimes, learning to improve communication and to rebuild the joy you once shared takes slow and steady choices, resetting and regrouping along the way.
The skills taught in the Staying Together process are cumulative. Each chapter builds upon the previous one, providing the tools you need to repair deeper concerns.
At the end of this week, return to the pieces of paper where you wrote your scores about how you are feeling about yourself, and how you think your partner feels about you. Pause, check in with yourself, and ask those questions again today.
On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being very disappointed and 10 being feeling super:
• How are you feeling about yourself in general this week?
• How do you think your partner feels about you this week?
How are you feeling now in relation to where you began the week? Have you ‘moved the needle?’ Are you feeling lighter? More seen? Better understood? More appreciated?
If yes, that is fantastic! Continue practicing what you learned in this chapter.
If not so much, give it time and continue practicing what you learned in this chapter. You have invested a great deal of time and love in this relationship thus far, don’t quit now.
Please note that the instruction to continue practicing what you learned in this chapter was given on purpose! You must practice at mindful communication with your partner every single day for it to become comfortable for you and accepted by your partner. Practice will eventually turn the new way of communicating your love into your primary way to show them.
“Some believe it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love.”
~J.R.R.Tolkein
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